April 30, 2025
I wish we got to sing to Big Thief together. I feel it would've been cute. I feel like throwing myself into traffic spontaneously, often when I think about everything and how I hurt her. It sounds stupid. It is cowardly not to want to face the consequences, but these feelings hurt too much to live with. I also feel it may be easier for her if I weren't here. Whatever that means. Like, she wouldn't have to worry in the future about me randomly showing up, like she had fears of some past lovers doing. I know this is irrational, though, and they are just passing feelings.
These things sound so self-pitying, I don't mean them to be, I think I am just wired this way from it being my default way to handle things as a kid growing up. I am learning to find better ways to handle things. I am always working on bettering myself.
I will practice potential conversations more today, I will need to keep this up. Do words even have meaning anymore? I feel they always fail me, or maybe it’s just me failing myself.
She wasn't in class this morning, I am beginning to worry about her. I hope she is okay. I am really anxious about her. I would rather her glare me down or do something terrible to me than never see her and be left wondering if she is okay. I am really worried about her. She may have something happening at home or with her health. I am scared. I want her to be okay. I am sure I am just paranoid. I really hope I am just paranoid.
I miss her smell. She was just so comforting, even if she was stressing herself and me out. As the days pass, I wonder over and over again, how did I let this happen? Why do I have so have such stupid, immature impulses? Why the fuck am I a perverted freak who had to hurt the one person I hold closer to me than anyone in this damn city?
I wish I could ask her for help while trying to find more summer clothes. She has good taste, and I trust her judgment. I was so excited to let her go through all my stuffed animals that I don’t want anymore, and let her give them a good new home. I know how much she treasures her things. I am scared of next semester. I don't want to go to school if this is how it continues to be. And it's my fault in the first place.