April 21+22ish, 2025
I am terrified of tomorrow having the same class as her. I just saw her for the first time since everything happened, and kept my head down and stayed as far to the wall as possible. I immediately got this out-of-body feeling where it felt like I was hot and going to pass out and throw up all at the same time. I realize now the severity of these restrictions placed on me, since they can become legal and impact my ability to attend school here and anywhere else. I have had the idea that I felt would potentially encourage her to reach out to me and become curious about what I had to say after processing. I was thinking of sending her an expensive Living Dead Doll she wanted this summer. Upon thinking of this, I realized that even anonymously sending something would potentially get me in trouble, even when school is not in session. I need to respect what she wants, but I know with time and distance, she will only grow colder, resenting me more and more. But I have no choice. I am curious to know what this case was filed as, and after researching, I believe it would be considered domestic violence/stalking. Stated as - causes material harm to the mental or emotional health of such person, where such conduct consists of following, telephoning or initiating communication or contact with such person, a member of such person's immediate family or a third party with whom such person is acquainted, and the actor was previously clearly informed to cease that conduct. So, that qualifies as fourth-degree stalking and is a class B misdemeanor. That falls under the category of domestic violence - since attempted contact when stated unwanted qualifies as stalking, and stalking AND domestic violence qualifies as sexual misconduct. So, even though the complaint was never sexual or about physical safety, that could still be put on my record as so. What I have come to terms with after speaking of the whole matter extensively with my mother is that I, under no circumstances, can initiate anything with her again. What was also made clear was that that didn't mean that that would never happen, but given my knowledge of how she has interacted with other people, she has cut off is that she is not the one to reach back out. Therefore, it is highly unlikely I will ever get that chance to share the truth.
I know she is doing well without me to worry about, she has supportive friends and parents who will confirm her feelings as facts, and make this much easier for her. In fact, I doubt it was at all hard, she told me how tired of me she was. She has her friends, and they were once mine too (no longer due to this conflict), the school, her parents, and legal authorities, all on her side. She is pretty much set to hold these feelings about me til I die. Unless she starts thinking she is going to die again and that she wants to make amends before she dies with her ex’s, like she did over break, I won’t ever be able to speak to her again.
Some things my mom has started to bring up is how she viewed parts of our relationship, especially over break, and how bizarre she thought it was for her to consistently tell me I'm dying, dont talk to me, leave me alone’ type of thing while I was continuously trying to support her. My mom was like, “You texted her ALL throughout our trip? Why is she saying that you texted that other girl more? Especially after she was telling you to leave her alone?” She was also upset that she was putting a lot of blame on me for getting her sick when she doesn’t believe that it’s possible without me having symptoms and whatnot, and the fact that I am very clean and whatnot, and how rare it is. Despite how she got it, she believes blaming me and using it to attack me is wrong. I agree, but I am also in many more wrongs. I am thinking back to when I was trying to ask Kaitlyn (not real name) to the jazz club. I think I was infatuated with how overly nice she is, I never even texted her when we got back, never went. And, now I realize she is just overly nice to everyone she had absolutely no interest in me. Either way, I was using the idea of having a chance with her as a way to help me move on from my attempt to distance myself from her. All the loving conversations I was still having with her, I was still in love with her. I still AM in love with her. I never wasn’t, though I have failed time and time again to prove it. I am frustrated with how complex the human brain is and how it can be so rational sometimes and completely irrational the next. One thing I always note is that the people in my life who are there to support me are also biased. So I try to be skeptical of everything.
One thing I really wish she would know is that that day, I wasn’t upset about her finding out things I had completely forgotten about, it wasn’t about like ‘oh shit i was caught’. It was not that at all and I believe it is what she thinks it was about. In reality, it was about me, me and the terrifying self-coaching pattern I sprang into, it was the hatred I have towards myself for seeing how I caused someone I care so much about such pain and feelings of inadequacy, and if not that, betrayal and breaking of trust. Regardless of when it was, it was the tipping point and rightfully so. Now I am just stuck with the self-blame and anger aimed inwards. It sounds so pitiful, stupid, as if I am wallowing in my own fuckups. But I have lost someone I love dearly and who was very close to me. I would do anything for her, I was always trying to get better at things for her. She won’t see any of that when looking back at anything, unfortunately, I know her thinking to be very black and white. I know she thinks I don’t care about her and am only sad she’s gone and I wronged her, but I am so deeply in love with this woman as a friend and whatever else you want to call it. She believes everything is about her and was thinking that when I was freaking and there was no way for me to show it wasn’t. It was my internal issues coming out, and not being able to step back and control myself.
I was never asking for forgiveness, I just wanted to be heard.
Now, I wasn't and never will be. I blame myself for everything. And I know she does, too. My therapist and parents keep reminding me it was two-sided and she had hurt me in many ways and had many traits that were concerning to them, but in my mind right now, that doesn’t matter. Nothing can compare to how I hurt her.