April 27, 2025
Yesterday it was 3:20 and I went to the 7th floor to drop off my color sculpture. Just as I opened the door from the stairs, I saw her walk into the classroom. I don’t want her to think I'm just in that studio to see her, and I know what’s what she is going to think. The 4th floor studio is packed and has no where for me to store anything safely anymore. Now I’m just conflicted with the idea of it all, if we can’t make this where I'm not scared of her, I'm worried I won't want to come back to school. I obviously will simply store it somewhere else, but that’s not the point. The point is that something needs to happen, or I won’t feel comfortable in my educational environment. i need to find a better way to handle these situations because my issue is it puts me in a position of dissociating for a period of time and fucks me up and what i was doing.
The sunshine that comes after rain is so pretty. Maybe that’s what this will end up being if I manage to keep it together. One can wish for a pet unicorn, I suppose. I wish she missed me. I didn’t give her a reason to. I miss her and her silly things, even the things that irritated me. I would do anything to listen to her worry about tiny things and have to tell her it’ll be okay. I would do it over and over and over again if it meant I could try again. I would do anything for that woman, and I’m quite embarrassed to admit that, only because of how opposite her feelings are.
I am in such a precarious position. I long to not be so fucked in the head, to be in a world where this never happened. I feel so awful, I wish I were better to her. She deserves the world, and all I did was take it from her. I really am fucked. I wish I could go back a year, I would relive the last year all over again if I could. I would stop myself from hurting her. I would be better as a boyfriend, a friend, and a person. She never deserved any of the shit she has gone through becuase of my mess of self. I just can’t wrap my head around how I let this happen. I would never forgive myself for not trying.
I worry about requesting a mediated discussion, but I think I would forever hate myself if I didn’t at least try. I need to take ownership for my actions, to genuinely apologize for the way I acted and all the ways I hurt her, and I need to show (not tell) her that I am safe to be around, even if she isn’t in my life. I need to communicate that I have been reflecting, I fully understand why distance is necessary now (and apologize for not accepting it before), I want to support her healing even if it’s without me, and that I am open to talk only IF and when SHE wants it.
I am at such a loss. I know this won’t end up going anywhere near how I so desperately want it to. I will never let something like this happen again. I don’t know how it did the first time, but I am reflecting on all the contributions that added up to it, and I just see so many things wrong with me.
I keep going on nice walks, and all the time I will see something we went to, or something I wish I could show her. I will see things and go Oh, she would love this! Or shops, I wish I could go check out with her, cute gardens, and small restaurants. I can't stop seeing so many things I wish we could've done and seen together. Walking back towards my dorm, I pass two people sitting next to each other on a park bench. They have a sketchbook open spread onto both of their laps, and they each are drawing on a page. It made me happy seeing it, but then I thought of the person I would want to do that with, and then I remembered. I have so much pasta I need to get rid of. I would make it for her (but she never liked it when I cooked for her anyway), but I would still try.
It was very windy today. It reminded me of her endearing fear of the wind. I remember finding out about this fear and wishing I had an umbrella or something to shield her and protect her from the wind, but I didn’t. I find myself sitting and waiting for her sometimes, waiting for her to come up the stairs, waiting to hear her voice, and then I remember.