How bad I could get.

April 19, 2025

I don’t believe I warned her properly of how bad my illness could get. She was not prepared for how I would handle some things so drastically. Hell, I wasn’t either. I was not expecting myself to fall back to the roots I formed in 8th grade, immediately taking things to the extreme and putting everything on myself, wanting to punish myself in hopes it would fix all the messes my issues caused. Wanting to end everything just so I didn’t have to feel anything anymore because of how overwhelming it was. I forgot I was ill. I thought it was gone. I knew it was there, but I thought I was better. I am upset with how I dealt with things.

I saw a Corpse Bride and Nightmare Before Christmas shirt for a bargain today when going on a walk with family. I got excited for a second and then a wave of anger and sadness came over me, the anger directed at myself, the sadness of mourning what I not only took for granted, but lost because of it. I wanted to get it for her anyway, but I know I would never be able to give it to her, and she would never wear it, knowing who it came from. I take so much for granted. I don’t deserve anything I have. I need to be less selfish. Stop self-preservation, I won’t hurt myself by allowing myself to be more vulnerable, at least I won’t hurt myself more than I would by not doing so, and these problems will follow it.

I refuse to utilize what she may assume i’m using to write these (AI) because this isn’t an academic paper and I would rather practice my raw journaling.

Anyways, I saw the most innovative dog park today and immediately thought about Stella and Carlotta. They would’ve loved it. They had a water fountain thing like what would be in a kids splash pad, but for the dogs. It was actually so crazy, there were tunnels for them and everything. They looked so happy. She thinks I hate dogs, I don’t hate them, i do definitely prefer cats though. Ever since I was a kid I was allergic to their saliva, and was scared of dogs that would jump up on me and lick me because I would get itchy hives from them. Dogs that jump on me and are loud and lick me I dislike their behavior, I don’t dislike them. But I am sure it appeared like that, but i never communicated the reasons why. It wasn’t because it was her dogs, I just didn’t like how overstimulated they made me, it isn’t their fault or anyone else’s, I know I didn’t make it seem like that though. I will admit I can be an asshole.

I wanted to show her beautiful things back home and take her new places, accommodating the bumps in the road and overcoming the setbacks that make stop us in the way. Instead, I made myself and many other things ugly to her.

i may just be emotional from the wedding but the growing of two people together and creation of that bond and the obstacles overcome is the most beautiful thing ever. Seeing these two people in love and vowing the rest of their lives to each other is the most precious thing. I can’t wait for that to be me, if it will ever be me. I think I would have her as a bridesmaid if she wasn’t my wife. That crazy to say I may be insane. I have so much more growing to do but I really feel this way truly. I also may just be a bit drunk and have baby fever from bouncing my little distant cousin to sleep on my wedding suit, but I think if she really wanted to, I would raise a child with her if it came to that. I am definitely drunk. But nonetheless I would make exceptions only for her. And i know I messed it up from the start. Being in the wrong mental state, having the wrong intentions, not knowing what i wanted, i was a terrible person to get entangled with. But i also believe I can grow from that, and I believe I can continue to become better, if not for her, someone else. I will be better in the future, for everyone I meet. All the flaws that would irritate me didn’t really irritate me, they frustrated me because I couldn’t take her pain and issues away. I was never properly enthusiastic when going out with her, but even my parents know that’s just how I am, often times I don’t have the energy to be upbeat and will save it for putting on the show I need to for passing by people who chat with me. Maybe that makes me shallow or a bad person, but it is what I am used to and am in the habit of following.