June 2, 2025
I am physically sick as fuck, and have spent much more time than I am willing to admit to on trying to shit.
I am in a lot of pain and haven’t done anything since surgery. I am beginning to feel quite miserable. I wish I had someone to talk to. I hope she is doing okay.
I worry about school starting again. I don’t want to go back, not while knowing she is there and doesn’t want to see me. I don’t want my existence to be a burden on people I love. I know my return to school would upset her, and I don’t want to set off any more spirals. I am distracting myself by involving myself with people who are more unstable than me and attempting to help them with their issues instead of focusing on mine. I think I need to take more time to process everything that’s happened because if I don’t, I think I won't grow like I'm supposed to from all of this. I am scared that I am unable to process everything properly. I'm scared this defines me and my future as a person, and will follow me everywhere. I want to start everything over. I look back at when I had friends in high school, I was really mostly in psychosis and high all day every day, but at least I had friends. It doesn’t feel worth it to go back to constantly numbing myself, though, but the social security I got from it was sure nice.
One thing she would bring up a lot was that there was a time I ghosted her for a little while and then came back. When I try to remember this, I can't remember what was happening or any details of it, which feels terrible of me. I just hate how neglectful I was and how I am able to forget things so important to other people. It concerns me. I am still on the waiting list for the neuropsychologist. The waitlist is like a full year at this point.
Anyways, I think I want to dig into when that was supposedly and figure out what was happening, cuz it does bother me that I don’t have it clear in my head.
I feel so guilty because I really do care about this person. I feel guilty that I am having such a hard time letting go, that I'm having such a hard time being okay with everything. I am not okay with anything, I am but okay with myself and how I was to her, I am not okay with how extreme things had to get before they made it through my thick skull. I am not okay with myself and how I am. I was supposed to have therapy today. I overslept.