June 3, 2025
This recovery is physically so much worse than it was supposed to be. Every time I swallow, it feels like glass shards are going down my throat. oxy is what helps numb it, but when i take oxy, i can’t shit, and that is also quite uncomfortable. it hurts to yawn, it hurts to talk, it hurts to whisper, it hurts to shit, it hurts to eat.
By now, I was hoping I could have made progress in my incredibly stagnant to-do list. It’s painful not to make progress when I know I should be.
I believe I may lose my sense of self when beginning school.
I worry about forming any relationships with anyone, even friends, right now, because I haven’t even come close to being someone I want to be yet. I want to stop trying to grow up so fast. I want to stop feeling lonely.
I don’t know, I needed to go to therapy today, and I didn’t. I'm no longer doing things I enjoy doing, and that’s been going on for a year or so. I'm always stuck in my head and never feel like I do enough. I dread my future and returning to school and having to figure out what the fuck i’m going to do. There’s just a lot of stuff on my mind all the time that I can journal about until the cows come home, but they still stay in my head and taunt me consistently.
I thought my days spent doing nothing in bed but sleeping and not worrying about having to go anywhere or take care of myself would help me feel better, but it hasn’t.
I still cry for her. I hate crying. I wish I had been okay with myself and not made everything revolve around fixing the broken pieces of me I hated seeing.