June 22, 2025
I don’t care about actively keeping up with this journal anymore, and I don’t care whether she finds out what I was thinking or not anymore. I have moved forward.
I wish you were more openly interested in me as a person. I feel like I don’t share much unless prompted, and I feel I often prompt things because I like learning about you, but I don’t feel the same thing happening, and I sort of want it to?
Recently, I have never felt like I'm able to talk about the things I think are important to me to discuss; it upsets me, but it also isn’t her fault because she doesn’t have time or energy to do so, and I'm not about to put more on her plate. Even with this being recognized, it doesn’t make the feeling go away.
I often want to express frustration, but I feel it is always not a good time because most times there is a situation she is handling, and it wouldn’t be a good time to say something. I bring up issues I have, and they aren’t responded to in the way I guess I’d like them to? I feel things are often shutdown, brushed over, overlooked and I do my best to do the opposite for her so it sort of sucks sometimes. My memory is so poor that if I were asked to give specific examples, I don’t believe I would be able to, which makes me frustrated with myself.
I feel she expresses passive behaviors, possibly subconsciously or consciously, with a want to get me to recognize something by posting something on a story or whatnot, but I may just be reading into things unnecessarily. But, this is what I have been conditioned to do, I am used to have to constantly ask for transparency and open communication. I am used to people playing games of posting and withdrawing and shit in ways to express how they feel or attempt to get me to feel a certain way or something. It isn’t pleasant. At first, with her, I felt I didn’t have to worry about this as the communication was great, but recently I feel like it’s me who isn’t able to communicate, and as well as having to challenge what is said as being really what is felt or not. She knows about my insecurities, and often times she jokes about them and i love her humor, but I wish she would use the knowledge of areas I am struggling with to be more reassuring and kind and make me feel cared for instead of poking fun. But I also don’t want to tell her to stop because I enjoy the playful teasing, but the lack of positive affection expressed doesn’t make it feel great. This seems silly to say, and I am embarrassed that I need to feel wanted, but I also think it’s human. I want there to be equal fondness, respect, and affection.
I worry I am often giving evidence that the real thing she appreciates and treasures is the idea of me, the feeling of being cared for, the idea of a future together, but not actually me as a person.
I am feeling very depressed today, I won’t tell her because she’s already had a rough day. I feel like I’m falling backwards again. I want to be held. I feel like crying, and I don’t know why. I hate having big feelings, they are overwhelming. I’m just sad. I don’t go out much, I forget to answer people, and I forget my needs until it’s too late. I get emotional when writing about my thoughts and feelings.
I listened to her song and now I feel a little better. But my thoughts remain fixated on feeling like she cherishes the idea of me and not really me as a whole person. I feel stupid for having these thoughts and feelings, which don’t help.
I am now crying in my basement. I feel awful because I yelled at my mother. I am shaking per usual, but more so now emotionally, not because of my meds. I am angry, upset, sad, lonely, whatever. Now I am just disappointed and sad. Disappointed in myself, of course. My mom came into my room to give me a replacement lens protector for my phone. She said, “I am worried about you never going outside.” I told her I was having a rough day and was journaling and getting my thoughts and feelings out. I told her I HAVE been talking to people, and she said “not just online,” and I was like, my friends are busy bruh. And she said, “What about the Photo Opp place?” and I was like, yeah, I'm developing next month. I expressed that I'm depressed and need to continue doing what I was doing and continue journaling, and indicated that I'd like her to leave. She didn’t leave, and I told her I was meeting with Mya tomorrow and have the goal of setting up a course for myself to follow for some of my goals. I added that it probably wasn’t going to happen tomorrow, though, because I am planning on discussing the logistics of taking medical leave, because she expressed worries regarding the logistics of that. I said it in a way that made her feel the need to respond with, “I never said you had to take medical leave, you could just quit.” and i lost my shit. I do know why it upset me to that point, but I didn’t take a pause to regulate, it happened so fast. I screamed Get out of my room, and pointed to the door. I said “what the fuck has indicated that I don’t want to take medical leave?” “why the fuck would you even suggest that? what has given you that assumption” shit like that and she was like nothing, I am just saying you don’t HAVE to take medical leave. I was already upset and asked her to leave again, and she didn’t, so I got up and said If you won’t get out of my space, I will find space elsewhere. And I am now in the basement and am done crying by the time I have finished writing this, and now dread facing the aftermath.
I am scared when I yell. I feel bad. I didn’t even think about it before it happened, I didn’t consciously plan on yelling at her.
I am just sad she would even suggest that. Why would she suggest that, she knows how set I am about finishing my education. I am sad, and I want to just go to sleep for a few weeks and hope my brain will be fixed and can work like everyone else’s when I wake up. Mouse came to help me. I love him.
I wonder if she knows posting about her ex to indicate that she is thinking about him and went actively out of her way to look for possible messages he could have written about her on an anonymous site may indeed impact me when I inevitably see it, because she literally posted it. She doesn’t ask about me, she doesn’t question what I am dealing with. I care about her so much, I want to let it go, but I have needs I need to communicate, too. I deserve to feel cared about, too. I am choosing not to engage with the passive posting I feel is meant to get me to react in some way, for a few reasons, but mostly because I am probably thinking of it wrong. She also most likely doesn't have the ability to be the person she wants to be to me right now because of how busy she commonly is, and constantly dealing with different things.
I don't know how to do most things, I suppose this is another one of them.