June 4, 2025
I feel I have time for nothing anymore. I have been getting non-stop cold sweats throughout the day every day. I feel actually physically terrible. I realize that this is because not only am I recovering from this surgery, but I also cold-turkeyed many of my medications for the past three days. I thought since I wasn’t doing much anyway, I would be fine to skip my morning medications. I was wrong, and just learned that today when my mom asked if I had been taking my meds. Going cold turkey on the medications I am on, even just the morning ones, has severe physical and mental consequences. I learned that the hard way, as I now know the only medication I can decide day to day whether or not to take is my Vyvanse.
I can’t remember when the period of my “ghosting” her was. I am unsure if I still have access to our Instagram messages. I will check, maybe. It hurts a lot right now. I don’t know if I can handle looking. I have therapy tomorrow, I am anxious about therapy even now. I worry I don’t know what to talk about, and that I may waste the precious time I have available to me to meet with my therapist here.
I got an email from school today, we are supposed to decide where we would like our studio to be. I got a bad feeling as soon as I saw it, remembering that I am going back. I love the school, I love the place, I am scared of facing the people, and how my actions have hurt them. It is childish.
I started talking to this very sweet girl from Maryland. She has a lot of issues. I worry I am making a mistake forming any relationship with anyone at this point in my life, but after talking about it, I realize it can be okay to let people into your life even when healing. I worry I have gotten too attached to her and care too much for how long I have known her. She is very self-aware, though, and it works with how we communicate. I think I may be too insecure for anything like this right now, though, as my ability to stop myself comparing is not strong. I take things too personally, and I haven't learned an effective way to stop doing that in order not to be hurt by it.
I worry I am compared to her ex’s quite a bit, and I know it's not personal and unintentional. But I also know my messed-up head would never want to request this to be changed because I want raw thoughts and feelings even if they hurt me. I wouldn’t want someone to have to water down themselves in order to make me feel better, and if this means I have to learn to stop being so sensitive and figure out how to stop being a pussy and comparing every fucking thing, then I guess thats fine.
I think it might just be a lot too soon. I have always been incredibly insecure about my looks, and having the ability to compare mine to others who have been a part of someone I am interested in’s life seems to be damaging. I joke lightheartedly about my unfortunate circumstance of having this fuckass medical condition to make myself feel better, but when I hear about someones experiences with other guys who don’t have this condition, hell, even ones who do, I start making blind comparisons that do nothing but hurt me. This wasn’t as big of an issue with my last relationship as she really did not have much experience, even with the few people she did, I constantly compared blindly to how I competed. It's not a competition, obviously, but when you have a poor image of yourself, and the incorrect equipment to perform with, it becomes a search for validation as a ‘yes, you're doing okay, despite the lack of __ or difference in ____’. I am unsure if that makes much sense.