April 16, 2025
You will never be able to apologize again, she doesn’t want you to.
You can never look her in the eyes again, she doesn’t want you to.
Your explanations mean nothing; you can never explain. She doesn’t want you to. She and everyone who knows her will see you as a monster, and you have no right to defend anything surrounding it; she doesn’t want you to.
She will never understand the reasons you are upset, she doesn’t want to. She never will want to.
She will always believe you did this on purpose, to ruin her, to make things hard, that is her truth, accept it.
She will never know how badly you want to punish yourself for every mistake you make, and she doesn’t care either.
She will never know how hard you try to take her perspective into view and how much you try to fix things once told something is bothering her, you did not do it well enough, so it won’t matter, and she does not care.
She won’t know I feel bad for the platypus and won’t get rid of it because of what she told me.
She will never know that what I wrote was a goodbye, not asking for forgiveness.
She called not because of the concern of your safety, she called to make sure she was not held resposonsible for your impulsivity and self destruction.
Do I have the right to be upset? No. But am I? Yes. I am upset with myself. Not her, nothing she did, but myself and the way I reacted. I reacted poorly, I got angry at myself, felt the need to take it out on myself, and made it other people.
I need to stop trying to distract myself when things get hard, and I need to feel wanted in different ways (specifically sexually and I think when my bottom dysphoria gets really bad and flares up more than normal, it becomes so important to me to feel like I am not a disgusting Frankenstein monster lab rat of a man and have the potential for being desired sexually by a woman.)
It becomes so important to me that someone who may not know me as well has a view from the outside to make me feel that I am not a Frankenstein freak with a fucked up body. Because I was pushing her away for selfish self-preservation, I felt the need to have that validation from someone who may not know me well and therefore has not been able to appreciate me for things other than my looks and body. I wanted to entertain, the thought of the reality of what I was doing would be seen as wrong on the outside never crossed my fucked up mind. There has to be an issue with my morale or something. No excuse can dismiss what I caused multiple times; my flawed ability to continuously remind myself of others’ pasts and ways they affect the person’s perspective has become a glaringly obvious issue in my relationships with others. I want to always work on what I can and am working to improve on this issue, thankfully, I was able to acknowledge its existence in the first place. I never want pity, I just want to feel understood.
the ideas that present themselves to me do not require action. i wont act this time.