May 22, 2025
Yesterday I planned to take a flash drive, transfer photos of her and all text exchanges onto it, then delete them from my phone. I still may do this because it is supposed to help me move on, and I will have the false sense of security that I'll still have them. One day, I may be able to open up the drive and smile with the memories again that I still hold onto. I would like to do this as I find myself becoming sad when I see a photo of her or something related to her. I know she deleted things right away, and I am sure it helps. But those pictures hold my memories, and I was truly happy during the times I shared with her. But I don't dwell on them or hope things will go back to how they were. The memories we shared were real and meaningful to me, I don’t want to erase them to make me forget the pain it brings when I remember things are no longer like that. It almost sounds masochistic to keep something that makes me sad, but just like the others, I will continue to smile when I recall the memories and see photos of the people I love no longer in my life. I am trying to accept that we weren't meant to be. At least not right now. Maybe not ever, but I am not a genie.
Feeling: stagnant. Need to do more, therapist says I am trying to do too much, I don’t feel I am doing enough. I need a friend, or a something. Maybe I should just start talking to myself again, or one of my stuffed animals, but I would rather hear someone other than what I can conjure up in my own head. My stuffed animals won’t challenge my thoughts unless I am the one challenging them. They don’t feel as much like friends, I can’t really hang out with them, and they don't make me feel less lonely. I sound crazy. I know I’m a bit out of whack, but I think I am better than some. Comparison isn’t good, though. I have a hard time not comparing myself to others. I will find a way to work on that, I suppose.
I just can’t wrap my head around how oblivious and ignorant I was to everything. I feel like such a dumbass, I know I am, I don’t just feel like one, I really fucking am one. I don’t know why I am still holding onto the hope that I will get to see her and do everything I wanted to do with her. I think it may be to protect myself in my current state, but I am aware enough to acknowledge the falseness of that thought and know it’s not possible. But I still am holding onto and fantasizing about the things I’d show her, places I’d take her. It hurts badly. I will talk to someone and find a way not to do this because I know it is not good.
What the fuck do I do with this doll. She would love how clean my house is, it would calm her nerves, maybe. My sheets and stuffed animals smell so fresh and clean. I didn’t wash the platypus, though. I drove a lot today and had lots of incoherent, random thoughts.
I may not remember specifics and mess a lot of things up like that, but I remember how things felt. There are things I felt with her that I will never feel again, but I am forever grateful that I had the chance. it’s gross and weird to talk about i know but she’s the only person i will have ever trusted enough to try using my natal dick for penetration with. I know that sounds fucking disgusting, but maybe in a way just makes the connection i had with her more special. I am getting surgery in January, and there’s no way I am going to connect with someone on that level in that short of time, not to where I would actually be okay with anything real and physical happening. Plus, my libido has been completely absent for over two months now, which is mildly concerning, but moving on. My natal dick will be buried after surgery, so she will be the only person ever that I was able to experience such a intimate thing with. I know this is nasty to talk about and whatnot, but the issues I have with my body made this more of an ecstatic experience that I will forever treasure if that makes sense. It isn’t that I will never experience something like that again, but there’s a chance I won’t due to losing nerves and maybe things not working. Even if all goes perfectly, it will be very different than what I got to experience with her. Not in a good or bad way, just different.
I am beginning a DBT group on June 7th. It is supposed to be good, it is a bit over 6 months with hour-long live meetings, homework, and other meetings on the side. It will be lots of work. The 4 main areas DBT focuses on are mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. All things I hope will help me be better and be good for me to work on.