May 23, 2025
My physical is suffering for some reason. It may be mentally induced, I am unsure, I know I am not getting out as much as I should, though, I feel trapped in my head and body thoughts, the thought of facing things outside is exhausting. My heart rate has come above 110 for over ten minutes while inactive recently, which is bad I guess, my apple watch is tracking shit or whatever.
The titty fairy can’t give me back my nipple. She told me I would have to look at other options. I was in the car for a long time, driving alone and thinking. One random thought that I noted cuz I found it funny is that I would go to church if she wanted me to, I would do the things I may initially be hesitant towards for her, especially if it made her happy. I wonder if I were more religiously aligned, things would be different. I don’t think they would, but I am once again trying to come up with what-ifs. Not a fun game, but I have yet to find a way to make it stop.
A cyber truck was driving behind me…I haven’t driven near one before. It is weird driving again, I wish I had someone in the passenger seat when I get in my car. I sort of wanted to break-check the cyber truck for fun…
I am not walking nearly as much as I did in the city. I do miss it. I wish I didn’t dread going back. I want to be excited for my future, but I don’t understand why this affects me so deeply. Maybe because my conscious and subconscious know that it was not really like me. Like me as a person wouldn’t cause all this shit on purpose, I am not malicious enough. I may be ignorant at times, and many other character flaws have found their way into my being, but I am not inherently evil. I believe I have a good heart and soul, I never mean to cause all the shit I do. I do everything I can to prevent it. Often, I fail. I learn, and I make corrections. It is an exhausting process, I think most people must follow this same cycle, though. I can’t be the only one feeling these ways. I don’t know how I was not present for the past year. I know things were off, I did not feel completely in control, and I still don't. I worry there may be something else underlying, but I believe I must just be paranoid. I am still struggling. I am still getting out of bed, though, and doing my best for myself and everyone who has to deal with me.