May 26, 2025
I’ve noticed I find most people exhausting to engage with, and the ones I’d like to engage with don’t want to engage with me. I am still trying to back everything up. I did not expect it to be this difficult. I never expected any of this to be difficult or anything at all in the first place, to be fair. I never saw myself living past graduation. And now I am here, a year past graduation, feeling in a bad place again, this time hurting more than myself and my parents. I am so tired of constantly feeling like such a fuck up. I didn’t do shit yesterday. I couldn’t even get my ass to take a shower, or leave the house. I spent the whole day reading those text messages. I mean the whole day. Not exaggerating. I started at maybe 3 pm and finally stopped and logged out of shit at 11 pm. I obviously did not do it in one sitting, but I did read through it all in one day. It was a lot. I think I got some valuable reminders of things said, though.
After the messages, I should work on deleting the photos. I will keep them somewhere other than my phone. They make me happy to see us happy, and remember how happy she made me, and the good moments captured in snapshots. But it also hurts to remember it is gone and is never coming back. It’s like someone died, and I was the accidental killer. It is different than what it is like to look at pictures of old pets and people who I love who have passed. But I think it may be because I know that she hasn’t passed, and the reason it feels like she has is my own fault.
As much as I am alone, isolated, and in need of social interaction to function, I am also finding people exhausting. I want good friends, but making them is hard. Talking to people is hard. I won’t be dating anyone for a long while. I need to first become someone I would want to date, not like actually, but like, aim to become someone that someone else would want to date. Right now, I don’t think I am that. Maybe I was to one person, but I was not able to perform as I wanted to. I need to fix that before even considering trying anything again.
I have begun to notice I feel like I am there for people often at their worst times, but when I am going through a rough patch, it’s crickets. I know I care too, I made sure to make sure my former friend was okay after greening out from edibles I didn't even give him, made sure my roommate didn't get in trouble, and kept an eye on him until 4 in the morning. She was there too. She was good to me. We stayed there with him to make sure he was okay. It wasn’t just me, I am realizing, it was both of us.
I am looking through my old comments on Reddit and came across one for whittling. I had made the comment that I had made a fox carving, and my girlfriend (at the time) loved it. It was one of the first things I ever carved. I spent a very long time on it and was proud of it. She did like it too. This was 3 years ago. I wish I had gotten the chance to do cute things like this for her before I messed up so bad; I could have done so much better.
I am back, reminding myself that we are all doing what we can with what we have and what has led us here. This doesn't mean we can't grow or do better; both can be done at once. We are all trying, and we can also still change and do better simultaneously.
I feel awful for all the stupid impulsive shit I have done thats affected other people. It is 3 pm again, and I still have not showered or left the house. I feel disgusting. My parents are doing their best to encourage me, but it isn't enough to get me to function. I haven't seen anyone in weeks. This is what I get for hurting her. It is deserved. I am disappointed in who I was. I can't come out of this hole. I just put her in one hard spot after another. No one deserves that shit. I don’t think I can go back next year. I don’t want to upset her. I don’t want her to have to avoid me and go out of her way to stay away. I don’t want my existence to be a burden again. I just deleted the conversation. I need to transfer the saved files to a flash drive now so I can delete them from my MacBook. Then I need to do the same with photos.
Mental illness is fun to joke about until you haven’t seen people outside of your family in two weeks, haven't left the house in 3 days, and haven't showered in 2. I feel disgusting, like I am not even a person at this point.