May 24, 2025
I have my consultation for the full hysterectomy today. I am sick to my stomach. I wish she were here to comfort me. She always could find a way to take my mind off the worst things. She knew what it was like to see a gyno and was able to tell me what to expect. Even though I felt like throwing up at every mention. It was nice to know she had experience and could tell me it’d be alright. I am really scared. I would rather be put under than have to do this consciously. I really really wish I had someone to talk to. My mom is coming with me, thankfully, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. I am terrified. I don’t get scared easily. I am glad to get this shit out of my body, but i wish it wasn’t there in the first place. I wish I didn’t have to go through this alone. My parents are great, but I still feel alone. They won’t be here forever. I’m so, so scared of the invasive exams. I want to rip my skin off. What the fuck is a pap smear, i don’t want to look it up. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this. I wish someone could hold me. I wish I had someone to hold. I want to care for someone other than myself again, I am too unhappy here. I need to find my cat; that’s his job.
I have been thinking too much recently. I want to turn my brain off for a bit. I haven’t done any substances in months, not even really drinking. So substances aren’t an issue, but the automatic self-destructive thoughts and actions are the issue. If it were substances, it may have been easier. There are so many AA groups and rehabs that also focus on mental health, it is harder to find help without an addiction to give reason for help in a way. My back is hurting again, it may be from driving. Life is scary, I don’t want to go through it alone. I get scared of myself, and I don’t like it.
The dictionary’s word of the day is edify. Meaning to instruct, especially morally or spiritually. I feel like I have heard it before, but I am not sure. I need to unpack, everything is still in bags. I need to get out my cat’s treats.
I am really scared. I need to stop eating, it makes me feel sick. I think my difficulty letting everything go can also point to how my past relationships were online, and I never had real contact to begin with, so now it’s just like ghosting, but in person. I have always been left in silence, and many times it has been my fault. I would never get real closure, I never had the chance for anything in the first place, though. But I put every part of me into those relationships. I had the energy and time to sacrifice for them, and it may have gone to waste, but I think it’s good to have gotten the experience. Now this one I just feel awful about, I didn’t go into it head first, I hesitated because of so many different things. And I didn’t commit. I should have committed from the beginning. I should have told her that I was scared because I had developed feelings for her, and I was afraid of the future and worried this was going to mess me up more. And by worrying so much and fucking it up because of the worrying, it happened anyways. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Maybe I wouldn’t have been damned if I did though, but i will never know that now. I feel like a burden being alive. Even though I am not in her life, I know my existence still brings reminders of how I hurt her and how she resents me with good reason. I regret that I stumbled into her life; I know I made it worse. I feel guilty because of it. It sounds terrible and pity shit but i really do have this feeling where if I were no longer in existence, maybe it would bring her peace. To restore the peace she had before me, if I were to be erased, maybe the shit I caused would have an easier time going away too. I know that my life doesn’t revolve around her, and I am living for myself, but the shame I carry makes me feel these things. Not that they are present enough to cause any physical damage, but they feel really strong and controlling of my mental state. I need to work on this.
I had my consultation, I will need no exam beforehand. I am very grateful and have a great doctor. My nerves are still high from the buildup of fear going in, though. I wish I had known beforehand.
My dad is yelling at my mom again. He gets very angry sometimes. I understand how it can be scary. I don’t enjoy being around someone when they are like that either. I feel bad for subjecting someone I love to this. He is drinking. As soon as my mom left, he poured a very large glass of whiskey. He walks heavily when aggravated, making sure his feet hit the floor with an authoritative thud with each step he takes. He slammed the door with force. I guess I never realised how my meltdown falsely presented itself as something so similar to what even I experience with older male figures in a domestic setting. I feel awful that I was that to her. Now he is being overly kind to my brother, my brother cannot handle his aggression, and my dad knows that. He needs to approach him carefully often.