May 29, 2025
I am having surgery today.
I hate seeing these messages, it just makes me sad and disappointed in myself.
Her: remember when we first talked and wr were discussing things to see if we were good for each other i sugar coated sooo bad lol i'm argumentative a lot sometimes, i don't mean it to be in a bad way but all we do is argue and when i realized that i was like eh maybe he was right from the start Me: im super cautious with who i get involved which thats why im so interrogational Her: i don't blame you that's a good thing if anything the problem is like idk should i yap abt all this like i don't wanna sit here and go into detail if ur not up for it like genuinely i'm not trying to annoy u lol Me: go ahead im listening Her: idk i lied pretty bad Like EVIDENTLY i'm not mentally stable i'm smart ish and i got great work ethic but i'm like horrible with dating i'm not mean or anything, i just lose people real quick and when we break up i get sour i don't get mad or anything without reason but for some reason i can't date longer than a few weeks so i like sugar coated a lot of it but then when you went into like why you're so precautious about this stuff i was like nah i don't wanna get involved Me: you cant live up to something your not though you cant pretend to be something your not long term Her: yeah exactly you're right, and part of why i even tried was because i'm so used to relationships being a few weeks Like i can't fathom dating someone longer than like four months Me: _____, its okay Her: eh not really point is i've been thinking about what you said a long time ago for like the past couple of weeks and you were literally right from the start lol Me: weve been over this Her: have we i have the memory of idk ooopps sorry like you were the one saying we'd never be a thing because we'd be awful together and you predicted it Me: its okay Her: Yeah Well idk how you liked me all this time we didn't even talk
I'm not sure what came after that, and I can't find it. But it just makes me sad.
I am actually looking forward to no longer having to be conscious for a bit tomorrow. I feel it may be easier if it were to stay that way, but I know that isn’t a realistic option.
Surgery was fine. Now I am recovering. I am tired, alone, and in minimal pain. I feel not very conscious, and I believe it is a nice feeling. I hope my absence brings her the peace my failure to love properly couldn't.