May 25, 2025
I know none of this will ever be read. But that is not why I’m writing it. I did request my friend send a link to her after the last encounter for good, I am unsure if she actually got it though. Even if she did, I have no reason to believe she would ever come to the desire to read any of what I have to say. Especially something this long and all over the place. I have been doing this for a while now. I have no expectations anymore. The little boy inside me pleading for her to let us work it out and mature together is becoming quieter. He is still there, though. I wish he would kick the can already. I am a very logic-driven person, I know he needs to die for me to keep living. I still long for the chance. I don't know how not to, I am sure it will come with time.
My DBT course is giving me the rundown of what I should plan to expect in terms of things increasing and decreasing, I guess. I am allegedly going to learn to decrease: mindlessness (good, I feel my rumination has not been benefiting me), judgmentalism (I am always trying to see things differently, despite my strong opinions on things), isolation (I am often prone to this and it starts a negative cycle), and purposelessness (something I feel is very relevant to how I am feeling right now). That’s on thing, there is more, just prepare for this to be long because I just want to type a bit right now and get my brain to shut the fuck up for not journaling enough in the past few days. I am also supposed to learn: Interpersonal conflict (very relevant, may have been more helpful earlier on when we did clash often, but good that I am getting better at it now for future endeavors), and loneliness (something that has become debilitating in the past three years. Starting sophomore year, I began having this issue more prominently, and it has continued to get worse. I wonder how much my transition has to do with it, social dynamics are very different). The next thing to learn to decrease is… inflexibility and problems with change (I feel I am better than some in this area, but obviously not when it comes to abandonment). Of course, we can’t skip decreasing extreme emotions and mood-dependent behavior (both things I am and have always been VERY prone to due to mood disorders and lovely ADHD). And last but not least, decreasing impulsive and rash behaviors (good heavens), acting without thinking (wow, would you look at that. Maybe I should have done this BEFORE i went and fucked everything up my freshman year of college, but i degress), and difficulty accepting reality (will definitely come in handy now). So, that’s what I am allegedly going to learn to decrease; what am I going to learn to increase? Great question, let's take a look at the answers. I am supposed to learn to: increase mindfulness (okay..), interpersonal effectiveness (also good..), emotion regulation (should’ve started this shit sooner…), and finally, distress tolerance (I feel I am pretty good at this. Actually, I am thinking about all the overstimulation meltdowns I have had in the past year and random reasons I will become extremely upset without knowing why and shit and i am realizing maybe not.) The good thing is, this shit is research backed and scientificly proven to help really fucked up people.
I miss my buddy Evan. It’s been two years now since he passed. We hung out over the summers, I really was grateful that he included me in things. He was a good guy, and a constant reminder to me to not touch hard shit to fix my issues. I miss him in the summers. This is only the second one with him gone.
I think I have made the connection as to why I feel I can’t completely erase the messages and photos, and all the evidence I have that there was something there. I am worried I might forget. I know myself, and I know how faulty my memory is, and I know the potential for my brain to misperceive things and twist them into what they aren't. I know she won’t remember, but I will, at least for now. And if I ever come back and reflect on the documentation, I would want to make sure I had both sides untainted to look at. Even now, reading the messages while trying to scroll all the way up, I don’t know how in the world she could think I didn’t love her. Every day we texted, I always wanted her to be okay, yes I am a person and get frustrated and fuck up and am not always perfect, but I would come back, learn, and adjust to try and be better. This obviously doesn't dismiss everything that happened, but I just don’t know how she didn’t think I cared about her. She never asked me the question, ‘Would you still love me if I were a worm?’, but my answer was and probably will remain yes. Its a stupid thing couples ask but the point is that I don’t love her for her external factors, I don’t love her for the surface level of her she presents to the world, I love her for everything underneath, her brain, her thoughts, her feelings, her spirit and heart I guess. The fact that I found her attractive was an added bonus, and what drew me to her initially, but it isn’t what made me stay. It was her as herself, as a whole being. And then I come full circle and acknowledge the fact that I made her feel used for her body. It is so upsetting to me because of how wrong it is in reality, and how I have no way to prove anything otherwise. I just wish we never had sex, I wish when I met her, my libido wasn't off wack and I wasn’t a deranged, scared, immature boy seeking validation and comfort in a new place. I wish that it wasn’t her. I wish she had never fallen victim to my bullshit I carry with me. I wish I didn't have to make things so complicated. I wish I were more patient with her and myself. I wish I didn’t act so impulsively. I wish I had realized the mistakes before they happened. I wish I had thought more about the position she was in while I was on winter break. I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I had been more sensitive to problems bigger than us, and wouldve been able to properly discuss things like politics and shit. My mental space has little room for that stuff, but I should've recognized how important it was to her and made the effort for her. I wish I had taken more time to try and learn Italian to make her happy. I wish I didn’t make her feel like I was pushing her so much. I now see how my wanting to help could have come off as pushy and wanting things different when they couldn't be, like encouraging meds and therapy and reminding of coping skills, I think it came off as ‘you aren't doing enough,’ and I never meant to come off like that. I wonder what my 3 wishes would be if a genie asked me. I wonder what hers would be. I would ask if we were okay, but we are not.
I feel like a loser for being such a baby over this. I am still scrolling, it has been like 20 minutes, she was always there for me when I had my episodes. She put up with so much of my bullshit. I feel so fucking terrible. I haven't showered or changed clothes or gotten out of the house today, it is 4 PM. I was there for her. I tried the best I could at the time, I hope I get better. I wish any of this shit mattered. None of it does anymore; that may be the worst part. God, these messages are hard to scroll past. There are so many. I think I crashed my messaging app. I may need to download a 3rd party application to download all of it. I put her through hell time and time again with my issues with myself and abandonment. I am so fucked up.
“i personally don't think i can see myself with anyone long term. not because i don't want to because i quite literally cannot picture what my life, alone or with someone, will be like. i just dont know. i'm not against us being together long term (or at least i wasn't) its not like i was planning to not be with you, i was planning to let things take their course and see what happened” I wish I had had the same simple mindset when things started. Not all this “planning for the future” and “what if” bullshit I decided to let my brain pull. She stayed with me through so much. I am so fucked. No one should ever have had to go through what I put her through. It was so messed up. It was like she was trying to care for a self-destructive man-child. I am so stupid for making her put up with shit. I unintentionally placed so many doubts in her mind, doubts that meant nothing to me and everything to her. God, this is so messed up. I broke her trust twice. I hurt her badly. I messed up so much. And now it's gone. Retracing everything is painful. I am seeing so much I missed. So much I took for granted. And I am once again reminded of how much I still love this woman, even though she would prefer me dead.
I have only gotten to October so far, my MacBook is lagging. It is now 5:30, I am in August. I went to the beginning. It is 9 PM now, I still haven’t showered or left the house. I hope tomorrow I may feel better.