April 26, 2025
I am beginning to believe that even if she were to read all my thoughts, nothing would change. In her mind, I have betrayed her beyond repair. And I hate myself for that. I am questioning what I even brought to the table in any sort of relationship. I am not very intelligent, I am mentally unstable, I am not particularly great at anything I do, I don’t really think I am above average in any way, I worry I may only bring issues into other people’s lives. Even if she were to know everything, I don’t think she could ever truly see my side, and she shouldn’t have to. I recognize I am selfish and disgusting for wanting understanding for myself, I need to accept that it isn’t what she wants. I just had so much more potential to share with her that I never got the chance to execute. I am unsure what to do with the things I had gotten her, or the plans I had with her. I don’t want to do anything with anyone else. Nothing can replace such a special relationship. Only time will help, but there’s such little time in the world, my life is already 1/4th of the way over. Things that are worth it take up time, she was involved with a lot of my time, and now that time is empty. I know she doesn’t feel the same too, I know she only sees the shitty parts of me, this makes it so much harder to accept the way things are and move forward. I keep getting glares from her friends and roommates. I feel awful. The facts are: I hurt someone I love, and now people who love her are upset with me. In a way, I think if I had the capacity to do something like this intentionally, I wouldn’t be so upset. I don’t believe any person who was actually malicious and meant to harm someone would be feeling this way. I feel all I do is reflect. Self-reflection is all I do. I am too self-aware for my own good, yet not aware enough of the ways my actions may impact others. So, I am stuck with the overly self aware part hounding me after the mistake is made or a fuck up happens.
I am still having an overly tough time falling asleep despite my medications. The sirens wake me up now, and I worry people will show up out of nowhere while I’m asleep again.
I worry about what summer will bring. Maybe I am more scared about what it won’t bring. All the things I could finally have time to dedicate to her. Yet here I was, offering a random person to stay at my house? What the fuck. I guess I just went along with it since I first offered the guest room, since her living situation is rough, nonetheless, I stand by my case- I am actually plain stupid. Disgusting maybe? I guess even though I had no intention of ever meeting this person seriously, talking after a long time of not talking and her still coming off flirty put me off and I kinda tried to be blunt with my responses but went along with it some when I realized the one I actually care about is flirting with guys and showing me. But that is really irrelevant when it comes down to it. It doesn’t justify any of the shit that happened up until that point.
I swear I was raised better than this. I feel ashamed for desiring anything, but that wasn’t the issue. It was the way I dealt with that desire in the wrong times, in the wrong headspace, in the wrong places, with the wrong people. Wrong wrong wrong. I feel that may be just how I am at this point. Someone is in the wrong who will never not be in the wrong. At least not in this person's life. I wish so badly I didn’t care. Why do I care so much about her?
I always felt I was bad at comforting and reassuring her. It was something I was actively trying to work on getting better at because I wanted to support her to the best of my abilities if I was going to be around her as we both moved on. Even if that wasn’t the case, I’d still be working on it for her. I had a hard time feeling heard, I think we could’ve both been there for each other so much better with time and effort. And I have a sick feeling in my stomach that that possibility is far gone, and it’s because of me.
I can’t get myself to erase her drawing from the whiteboard. I can’t get myself to remove the Valentines she made me. I value the treasures I have from her existence in my life too much.