April 18, 2025
I would give my right arm or some other drastic sacrifice to have the chance to forget/put behind all the sexual and romantic shit and strictly remain friends like we were. I seem evil as if I purposely did not think of saying something about the other girl as if i was thinking about it, but i wasn’t thinking about it, i never felt anything for her romantically but it doesn’t matter. Just because I hate my body and am disgusted with myself doesn’t mean I get a pass to look for external validation while being intimate with someone I actually love. I started entertaining her and i kept entertaining her after break. I never should have, and never should have continued after break. i don’t know what the fuck is up the the fact i didn’t even think about it. why didn’t i think about it? what the fuck is wrong with me? i’m so tired of myself. i want to not be here anymore.
she’s witnessed the worse of me. there’s no returning after that.
I have lied about little things, big things, without a good reason. I have continuously fucked up and fucked up my fuck ups. I don’t have explanations fro any of it, but it was not malice, i never wanted to hurt anyone. I would never intentionally hurt her, no matter how upset I was. She could hit me with a car or say the most hurtful thing on the planet and I would not fight back, I would not hurt her back. It was never intentional, I think she knows that, but it is easier to hate me and believe that it was. It makes it easier for her. It may be what she needs.
It’s actually quite funny, I have become very into learning about the male gaze and feminism most likely to get a better understanding of everything that women have to deal with and how to be most supportive. I should have started this before I even met her. Same with class issues, i shouldn’t be so ignorant and i should be educating myself on everything i don’t know.
I can say all of this but only acting on it will show a change.
I was so excited to show her my house and take care of her for a bit there over the summer. I was so excited to be able to be in her life beyond the bumps we overcame. I dont know how i messed up so badly. I didnt mean to, it seems like I did though, how else could I do such a thing? How could something like that be done without the consciousness of logic reasoning with me as it often does? Why did it fail me then? It isnt right. It will never be right.
I am wrong.