May 01, 2025
I am planning on going into this situation with the assumption that nothing will come out of it, and the answer will be no. Regardless, I have learned from school that Thursdays tend to be my 'burnout day' because I will be grinding on work nonstop up until then, no matter how much I enjoy the class and am excited for it, I end up feeling physically sick and exhausted after my 9 AM class before my 2 PM class. I sent the email to the coordinator last night and am waiting for a response. I think this is contributing to my feeling of sickness. I believe it could also be due to the change in routine where I decided to eat a bunch this afternoon in order to prepare for a concert I have right after class tonight, since I won't have time to eat in between. I am also anxious to receive a reply from the coordinator, while preparing myself mentally for the inevitable 'no' I will be receiving despite the longing I have to get to hear her one more time before summer, even if it just enforces her want for distance, I would prefer to have tried to do what I can. I feel too sick to go to class, but I also missed the last half of class last week due to a migraine, so I feel this is bad to miss. I think I will go a little late, take a nap to feel better, so I can still go to class.
If I had known to warn her that I had an anxious attachment style, both of us would have been able to handle each other better. Similarly to if I knew what she needed from me when freaking out and I not knowing the best way to help.
I hate my illness, making it much harder for me to function every day. It is so difficult to get out of bed. I don’t want to keep going sometimes. I dissociate half the time and am not really here. I wish I were here. Where the fuck am I? My friend tells me she is fine and has seen her, and she is fine. I don’t know what to think or believe. I just want to stop this movie here because I fucked someone up like that. Let’s start a new movie, please. I don’t like this one. I feel stupid in so many ways all the time.
Why am I crying in the bathroom during class? this isn’t fucking high school i’m a fucking toddler at this point. I can’t keep doing this. I feel my friends are tired of me. They don’t want to put up with my shit anymore. Not like I wanted to in the first place. But here I am again, making my issues other people’s.
I’m just about to leave for the concert, I realized I bought two tickets. I forgot. I would have sold the other. I was really hoping she could go with me, and she said maybe if she had time, so I got two in case. Now I am sad again.