April 22, 2025
The doctors called me while I was in the film club. My surgery is scheduled for January 16th, 2026. I got scheduled. I have been working towards this for the longest time, I am so relieved to finally have a date. I want so badly to share this exciting news with her, she would be so happy for me. Maybe not anymore, but she would have. I want to tell someone and celebrate, but I can only tell my parents and two online friends. It is different when it's only over the phone. I wish I could share the news with her, but I won't, can't, and never will. But I am excited and relieved nonetheless.
I have a class with her in 20 minutes. I am going to shoot myself. I don’t know what to do. I am freaking out. If god was real he wouldve helped my stupid ass by now. Updating- she isn’t here, which in a way may just be worse? She and her two close friends are not here, so maybe they all moved to a different class together to support her? I am unsure. I almost feel if I didn’t have the on-edge feeling that she may just walk in at any second, maybe I would feel a bit better. I wish she knew I am definitely more scared of her than she is of me. I hope I never made her feel physically unsafe from the violence I had towards myself. I am sure I did. Knowing how she solidifies the worst in reality as something bound to happen, she probably is telling people, ‘I am scared he's going to come after me and my family.’ She had similar thoughts to her other exes, but most seemed to come from a place of past experiences with the person. I feel sick still. Maybe if I stop eating and become more “lanky,” she will like me again. (kidding) I just want to be heard. I would buy her the entire earth if it meant she would genuinely try to understand me and care. I am worried she isn’t in class because of me. I will literally leave if it makes her happy. Whatever she needs to best succeed.
I feel bad, I didn't get the chance to give her her fan back. It is 80 degrees out, and I know she is complaining. I would've bought her one of my fans if she complained. Now I have her family's fan and cannot give it back.
I was in the film club, like I said earlier today, and was thinking about all the audio stuff they were using, and then thought of her mother. I feel awful that I hurt her daughter. I did everything I could where I wasn’t dumb to be as good to her as possible. I wish I had learned more from her mother and gotten to talk about what she did with audio production, and could have learned more about her. She seemed like a cool lady. I feel ashamed to have wronged her.
I am thinking about her project, I hope it is going well. I know it’s going to be beautiful. I wish I could help her if she would let me. Now I have no chance obviously. We saw Bourgeois’s spiders today in history, and the professor mentioned how some people kept them as pets. I am now mourning the idea that I was going to help her fully set up and adopt a jumping spider from my local exotic pet shop back home when I would have taken her this summer.
You know what I just remembered? She would always say, “I want a man who worships the ground I walk on,” and then followed by something like ‘that's not you. ’ But I am worried about her future endeavors, or maybe I am only thinking of them because I wish I were a part of them. I think it's complicated and a mix of many different things all at once.
I think there is something that clashes with our views, and that's why we didn't work out romantically, obviously lots of other reasons, but our views on love and life clash, and that is okay. It's good, really, it's so incredibly powerful to be able to disagree with someone and still treat them with full respect and maintain the relationship. You don't have to agree on everything, you never will. My dad has friends who have completely different stances on really important topics, and they simply acknowledge the difference, ‘I don't really agree’ or ‘I see it differently, but I respect your opinion,’ and they move on. It is kind of beautiful.
I am so grateful she showed me around this beautiful city, I regret not being able to do the same for her. I regret all the stupid things I did and have said, such as offering the random a place to stay (I didn’t mean it), but it read wrong and made her feel like I was trying to replace her. I can’t imagine how shitty everything I have ever said has added up so high to punch her in the face over and over. It is so unfair of me to have been so ignorant and blind. My intent was never to hurt her and I fucking hate that I did, but nonetheless I did. There is an immense amount of guilt and anger I hold towards myself because of this. I know what I did was wrong, and the fact that I didn’t see it until damage was done is even worse. I don’t know how I managed to not recognize any of the extremely damaging things I did while I was doing them, even after I did them. Only until she expressed her hurt did I realize that it was wrong. I am going to work on figuring out why this is, because it is not fair to other people, and I want to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again. I will get better. I will put the work in.