April 17, 2025
I am trying to forgive myself, but I can’t. I want to do vulgar things to my body to publicly display my anger. I keep having distressing thoughts. (not things to act on, disturbing that they form nonetheless) ‘Maybe she would see how much I care about her if I slit my wrist infront of her door and bled out til there was nothing else to bleed.’ ‘I regret selling my gun, I would've held it to my head to force someone to listen despite how much they may not want to.’ ‘What if I hurt her brother and everyone who's hurt her just as much as they hurt her, including myself. Would she realize how much I care?’
I don’t want her back in my life, I know it is for the better, but I need her to know I wasn’t trying to hurt her, I am not that kind of person, I am always trying to get better, nothing is excused but I don’t want to forever be demonized and have such terrible parting marking the end. I can never forgive anything I have caused.
It doesn't matter what I want; it never did. I need to look at what others want first. She wants this, it may be best for her to see me like this to forget about me.
I am so disappointed in myself. I am better than this. What is wrong with me? How did I get here? How did I let this happen? Why was I not conscious like I needed to be so badly? How did I manage to fuck up someone I love so deeply? Why did it have to get this bad?
I am so sad. I suppose I will start from the beginning and analyze everything I did wrong in order to apologize properly, even if she won’t see it. I need to see where I went wrong so I can prevent it from happening again.
I was told,'you are not a bad person because you did not have a malicious intent to hurt her. you made many mistakes and continue to use them as learning opportunties to get better. wallowing in shame will only stop you from growing.'
I will continue to be mourning the loss of a close relationship and I will continue to sit with the hurt and pain that comes with that, especially when I can pinpoint 90% of the issues that arose as my fault.
I have found it become harder to eat. I haven't eaten in 2 days. I feel sick to my stomach and sick of my mind and body. I hate that I am stuck with it.
I have found it harder to shower, I can't look at myself without feel disgusted with how I look and my messed up genitals and mutilated chest. My love handels and lack of muscle definition. I don't want to live with myself. I hate myself and the ways I was able to hurt someone I love so badly without having a braincell to tell me to be consious of things I was ignorant and blind to. It is hard to live with myself.
The frustration I have towards myself will only hurt me, but at least it no longer is hurting anyone else.