April 29, 2025
I have been practicing what I might say if I ever get the chance for a mediated discussion. I know the likelihood is low, but it makes me feel better to hope. It is hard to predict how she may respond, and I fear that no matter how well I memorize things, I will end up blanking as soon as the time comes. If I have notes to read off of, she will read it as me being insincere, or assume I used AI to help me come up with what to say.
The cherry blossoms are so pretty. I wish I could appreciate them with her next to me. I messed up so bad, bruh, no one will ever understand. Like I love this girl with every inch of me, it has been one hell of a rollercoaster, and I know it isn't the healthiest, but I felt I was getting better. I may just be delusional, though. I would have loved to show her how good Radiohead songs sound in my car with its nice stereo.
I just found a job she would benefit from, I wish I could share it with her. I think about her all day, every day, and it kills me knowing what I did and how she sees me now. I wasted her time, money, energy, everything.
I see people I love now look at me with disgust. I feel sick every day. I’m losing weight on the plus side of things. I feel so sick today, she may be in class. I wish she knew everything about me, and I'm the same for her. We need to accept our flaws in each other and know that each person you’ll be with in any capacity will be majorly flawed in some way. That is just a fact of humanity.
I am having the inability to filter out and or separate noises in class today, when my ADHD is really bad, this happens, but I think it may be because of everything else. She isn’t in class. I worry about her. I hope she is okay. I didn’t see her in the shop. I keep jumping every time the class door opens, worrying it might be her coming in late, my heart drops, and I hold my breath every time. I have physical, emotional responses to the thought of seeing her. I almost feel like it’s my fault that she is missing class. Maybe she isn't coming because she is uncomfortable being in the same room as me. I worry about being the reason. Knowing her, she would say “ you dont matter that much to me, not everything is about you. I am just busy/tired/sick/etc.” and then I would feel like a self centered asshole. But I just fear I am the cause for so much of the negative shit she has to deal with. It seems it’s all I brought at this point and time.
I was glared at by a new friend today. Well, two. I am sad since these are people I admire and enjoyed being able to call my friends. It’s just something I have to face due to my actions, though. This is my fault.
There are places I don’t feel comfortable going anymore when people associated with her are in them (like her roommate). This includes one of the workshops, which makes me unable to do the work I need to do, without feeling uncomfortable. This is another way this is affecting my education. I am rationally aware it is in my head and it is a mental issue, not necessarily physical, but it doesn't dismiss my reality of how the situation is affecting me. I miss the nights I slept so well, all credit being due to her sharing the same bed with me, being able to hold her in my arms, knowing I had her close and nothing could hurt her. And yet I did. I still cant fathom this shit. I keep asking myself how I let it happen, why it was her, why I didnt think and use my fucking head. I don’t know how I didn't think of how wrong it was to still entertain the random while loving her so, so much.