April 21, 2025
I'm committed to loving her even from afar. I made that commitment to myself a long time ago when we started getting closer, I told myself that whatever happens, this is someone I want to care for. I recognize now that that very well may mean I have to do that quietly, from a distance, just like the other people who have left my life, and I hold no ill feelings for them. This one is just much more prevalent. I think I saw the tenderness in her beneath the surface that held me by a grasp in such a way that I look at memories with her with fondness, I see the good ones before the bad ones. I’m not sure I had that same sort of effect on her, and that's okay. I worry I feel more than the average person when it comes to emotions. I try to mask them because otherwise I feel vulnerable. I hope my absence can bring her some sort of peace that my being around could never provide. I realize I caused a lot of stir, it doesn't matter if it was unintentional or not. I wonder when she forgets about me, if someone will have the same self-commitment made. I know they will. She is worth it, through all the shit we put eachother through, I found her worth it. I know that feeling is not mutual, though. And that's okay. She may never want to see me again, but I will support her as I can from a safe distance without overstepping her boundaries (eg, supporting her work, doing what I can where I can). What that most likely means from now on is avoiding her physically, and doing my best to stay out of her sight per her request. It was hard to hear that at first, but now I think I realize it’s the best thing I can do to support her growth and future. Unfortunately for a fuckup such as myself, that means leaving her the fuck alone. That’s my issue to cope with, though, I will move on. Now, I will do what I can. I want to grow for myself and others around me, and keep my distance from those who suffer from my presence. It hurts, but lots of things hurt. My physical pain tolerance is high, but I think my emotional pain tolerance may be a bit lower. It will harden up, though I am sure. I’ll become calloused.
They are going to terminate my housing. They are going to kick me out. I don’t know what to do. I can't live with myself if I don't give her access to the truth. I seriously would rather not be here at all. If I leave school now, I won’t get the credits. I am so close to finishing. I don’t know what to do. For fucks sake why can’t I let her and everyone else hate me? It would be much easier. I have to understand that how badly I hurt her and how I reacted has made her not care anymore. She does not care whether I get kicked out or not, she does not care whether I stay or go, she does not care if I write my thoughts down, and she has open access to them. She is done with me. Why can’t I accept that?
I think I know why. She was my support, I was hers. We shared the same friends, now they all hate me, talk badly about me, anyone who knows them would know how bad of a person I am too. For how small this school is, it is almost a guarantee that this is going to get around. I have already fucked up my chance in college fuck me. Everytime I have something good I manage to fuck it up. I am so stuck, and alone, and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to not be here. I am rational enough not to do anything stupid, but it doesn't change how I feel. I want to not feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to speak, I want to curl up into a ball of nothingness and disappear into the air. No longer forced to deal with myself.