April 28, 2025
I am looking through my camera roll for inspiration for my drawings, and I keep coming across photos of her. She is such a sight for sore eyes. I mean, I genuinely could never and still can never understand how she doesn't see how gorgeous she is. I feel she must know, to some degree, she knows she can attract people, and she must know how beautiful she is. Seeing her smile makes me happy, and then sad, because I don't get to see it anymore. I am looking at one where she was eating her favorite Italian sandwich at Madison Square Park. Her smile is so precious, her eyes are piercingly stunning, and I miss staring into them. I would do anything for her. I miss being there for her. I would do anything for her, I swear, I may be crazy at this point, well, we know that. But whatever. I miss her more every day, it isn't going away.
I loved being able to see her high school, it was so cool to see where she spent so much time and to get to talk to her teachers and meet people she knew. I need to stop being so nonchalant, I realize it makes her think I am not having fun. My cat misses her. Last night, I slept in the shirt she gifted me and held the platypus close for comfort. I suspect I will be doing the same tonight (I already am wearing the shirt). I treasure the small things I have left of her that leave fond memories. I refuse to erase her drawing on the whiteboard, take her valentines down, or throw out anything. I am almost certain she threw out everything she had gotten from me. I treasure the doodles from her in my notebook. I was glared at again today by her roommate. Well, two separate roommates at different times. I wish there were a telepathic way to communicate everything all the time, all at once.
I am realizing I have so much food and only a few weeks left of school. If I still had the privilege of her being in my life, I’d be cooking/serving her every meal if she would let me. Plus, she would love helping me finish all these chocolate fudge popsicles. I wish I had gotten to do more stuff like that. To show up for her in small ways.
My all-time biggest secret desire for us was to move to Europe (most likely Italy) with her and open an animal rescue for dogs, cats, and birds while living off our art. I wish I had the confidence to put all of myself into the relationship I had with her without having the fear of losing myself if something were to go wrong. I was so afraid after doing it so long ago, like years ago, and knowing how long it took me to recover, it was scary how long it took and how much it took out of me.