April 20, 2025
I always seem unenthused. I am bad at showing enthusiasm, it may be because I am insecure about how others perceive me, and that is silly, I will continue to work on that. It has always been a struggle for me not to worry about how others see me and not care. I think I would really benefit from conquering that. It’s something I need to work on. I need to work on quite a lot of things. I was so excited for school to get out so I could finally not worry about balancing school and the people I care about and myself at the same time. I was excited to finally be able to catch up on all the things we wanted to share and show each other different parts of our lives. I was looking forward to finally having time to watch the movies you wanted me to watch with her, the music she wanted me to listen to, I wanted to be able to drive her around and show her beautiful nature back home and let her control the radio, I wanted to take her to the Goodwill bins, even if they freaked her out, I would have her tell me what she wanted to look at and I wouldve done all the digging for her to find her cute clothes. She would have loved my other cats, too, well, one of them, the one with no teeth, that is a total loverboy to everyone who gives him attention. She would love him. Sharing each other's interests, even if not having the interest initially, is something I regret not setting aside more time for earlier on. I should have let her show me more things she was interested in. I missed out on that because of everything else occupying so much time in my head. Medical interventions, school, mental health, social, and family. We are very different people, and that’s why I think we have gotten so close. Being able to look beyond the differences you have with someone is something very powerful between two people. Being able to be at one's side at their worst so you can help them be their best, I feel I didn't do a great job at that, I often messed up when trying to by not knowing what was best to do. I have gotten past all these bumps and feel like the hardest parts were over, things were good, boundaries were set, and then I had to be stupid and have all these past mistakes rooting from all this other shit come to haunt me, I deserved it. It was too good to be true. We were finally friends and were working on being better for each other. I'm not perfect at it, I never will be, but I will always try.
I am flying back to the city today. I am scared of seeing her. I can feel the hatred she has towards me. I can’t change how she sees me, especially after my episode of fucking insanity. I feel awful putting her through that. I swear when I am in that headspace, I am not thinking about others and can’t, I am unregulated, everything is flying around me, things start talking, thoughts start feeling more and more like directions for action instead of just thoughts. It is scary. I wish I didnt let her see thst shit. The only people who have to deal with that is my parents, and thats because no matter how unhinged I am around them adn when I cant do anything anymore, they wont judge me, they wont scold me, they will help me be better, they know its not my fault and I dont want to be the way I am.
I am selfish for wanting to repair things once again. I know it isn’t right, even if it is just a friendship, it isn’t fair to her. She needs me to leave her alone, she needs to not have me in her life. I have only caused damage. It is selfish of me. I can’t do that to her. For her sake I need to leave her the fuck alone. I think I will always feel like crying listening to some songs I associated with her for a long, long time now. I messed up so bad. I am such a fucking idiot, I always have been, when will it change, I should be smart by now, I read things and try to pay attention. I should be smart by now.
I took so much for granted, I miss things that may sound sappy and romantic and bleh. But I miss waking up next to her gentle breathing, her lying on my chest, playing with her hair, her soft skin, giving her stupid hand massages, carrying things for her, holding doors, having her by my side, taking her arm in mine, the comfort her presence brought me, the warmth her hugs brought when I needed them the most, her hair getting in my face and finding it everywhere (as much as I may seem annoyed, it was kind of endearing), opening packages and jars for her, helping her pick things out, being able to breathe her in and feel loved in a way, seeing her geek out on the smallest things, her being a nerd with niche topics and obsessing over dolls and such things, so many small tiny things that make up a being. I never got to sing to her- I never got to that point, I always wished I stuck with music, I want to be able to play tunes. Maybe I will pick it back up while recovering from procedures.
It broke me inside, opening the peephole and seeing her there. I never wanted her to see me like that, I can be fucking terrible many times. I wanted to break down gently and start sobbing when she stood there, knowing it'd be the last time I would be seeing her. But I was angry, she didn’t need to be a part of that, though. That was unfair of me. I am upset with myself. I deserve to be by myself, upset with myself.
This is what is right.
I made another mistake last night. I contacted her because I am bleeding, I need help, and I have no one else to ask. I deleted the message right after. I regret asking, but I feel stuck as I cannot buy an entire box, and I would like to sew shut my parts. I am deeply disturbed by this and need supplies for bleeding. I have no one else to contact, I can’t go buy a box of pads. I would rather kill myself. I am risking being suspended from school by attempting to ask for help for this fucked body I am stuck in. I am stuck. She doesn’t know. She also does not care. I got a message this morning from the upper authority of students, and I am in trouble for contacting her, even though it was not successful. I can’t ask anyone else. I am stuck. Please help. I feel so alone and scared, being left to my own hell. I am risking being kicked out of school for so desperately needing support. I am so fucked. I feel too sick to eat, I am not physically sick though. I don't believe I will be eating again today as my stomach feels terrible and I want to hurt myself. These are thoughts though, I will not act on them. I feel I may throw up. I am sick feeling the opinions of others and my situation hover over me as I try to do work. I hurt. I wish I didn't. A grown man bawled his eyes out this morning while realizing once again the situation he is in. Alone, in a tiny apartment, in a busy city. I would do anything to fix myself, that's why I am obsessed with self improvement, I was always told there was something fundamentally wrong with my head. I don't want to live like this anymore, I need to radically change something, something needs to change. I don't know if I will be able to grow unless I get unstuck from this pit of self loathing, but it was rooted so early on, I can't just get rid of it. I feel so sick.