April 23, 2025
I am beginning to accept that there is no use in holding onto a fictitious hope of something working out. The best I can hope for is not being kicked out of school at this point. I am constantly looking over my shoulder, worried about accidentally being too close of a proximity of her without my awareness and not realizing it until it’s too late and it counts as another mess up. It has almost become a horror game where I have to avoid the person who has the ability to completely ruin my future if she really wanted to. I see her and immediately go in the opposite direction. We get out of class, and I immediately start walking away since I am in the front and she is in the back. I need supplies from a classroom? She is sitting in the room, has to find an alternative, I guess. The coordinator to,d me it is informal and that the goal is to keep it as such. I get glares from her friends, people who once were also my friends. It doesn't feel good, of course, it's not supposed to.
I have started using my zapping Pavlok shock alarm thing to electrocute me every time I start scheming on ways to get across a hint to talk to me, and that she would be curious. I hope something happens nonetheless. In a miracle, she would talk to me again before summer so I could share everything I wanted to do with her and maybe plan a trip to visit and whatnot. Or, I could simply be told to keep my distance, and that is fine too. I just don't want to have to always be on edge at school. To make amends would be best.
One hard thing is there will never be a resolution because it is something she would have to suggest nsd there is ni what she will do that without a external factor planting the idea that I may be worth hearing, and there is no way for me to do that since I cannot communist eiwth her in anyway. I am debating on writing a statement big and bold, spelling something ambiguous to plant an idea to make her think more. But, at last, I’d risk being expelled. So that is a bad idea. No. But what if it acts as a way of coping while respecting the order put in place by the school? I am unsure.
Another thing that may be gross to admit is that I am currently unable to bring myself to wash my sheets. They don’t even smell like her anymore, but just the knowledge that she was there is enough to comfort me a tiny bit. I feel they are the last thing able to remind me of the physical warmth and comfort her presence once brought. I will have to wash them at some point. But I can’t bring myself to do it right now. I even miss finding her hair everywhere and having to meticulously pick it up and throw it away to avoid my cat from eating it.