April 25, 2025
Last night was really rough. I sort of lost it. I was going to work in the 6th-floor classroom because I needed to do a large project. She just so happened to be the ONLY person there. I sat on the floor away from the door in the hallway debating what the fuck I should do, I had something I needed to get from there so even if I couldn’t work in there, I needed to get my supplies. I panicked, I asked a friend to go for me, but they were taking a while. I decided to do it myself. I walked in there, staying to the perimeter of the classroom wall in order to stay as far as possible from her, I ran into a table because I wasn’t looking where I was going and I am sure that both through her off and made her think I was being aggressive because she looked terrified. I said, ‘I am so so sorry, I just need to grab my tube, I just need to grab my tube. Please don’t tell Gracelyn (not real name), they are going to expel me. Please, I am really sorry, I just need to grab-–’ as I made my way back out the door, she was backed into the other side of the room by the wall. She looked scared. She said, ‘I won’t tell, please just get out,’ in a loud, cold voice. She followed this will “get out, go!’. Talking to me as if I were a dog. She was scared of me. It seemed like she thought I might hurt her. I collapsed in the stairwell. Sobbing, I couldn’t handle the fact that she was scared of me. She thought I might hurt her. I felt like a fucking monster. I can’t deal with myself like this. I don’t get it. Someone I love so much is afraid I might try to physically hurt her. I feel like a fucking axe murderer or some shit. I would never lay a hand on her. I would only ever hurt myself. I would never interntionally hurt her both physically abd mentally, no matter what she did to me, I would never purposely do shit to hurt her. I care about her way too much for my own good. People keep telling me I have to get over it, and I know I do. It isn’t easy to do something that feels so wrong, even if you are told it is right. I will be fine. It is just hard right now, and it will be tomorrow, and the next day. And she will be great without me. I know she is realizing how much better shit is wihtout me. I wish that weren't the case, but part of me knows it must be. It sounds ridiculous, but I have quite literally lost all the care I had for myself. I have become entirely fixated on the pain I caused to someone I care and love so much. That is all I feel I can care about at the moment. It doesn’t feel worth getting out of bed any longer. People are worried about me. I am not going to kill myself, but I understand the concern. I am just stuck in a bad state, not something I am going to act on. Only something I keep having thoughts on, which scares me. I am okay, though, I know it won't be like this forever, and the feelings will pass. My illness doesn’t get to take my life away yet, so far its/we are trying to ruin it by making so many fuckups. Not small either, like if I got kicked out of school, it would be on my transcript, and other colleges wouldn't even take me. Plus, I don’t see myself going to any other college. My illness may be able to fuck up my future but I wont let it kill me yet.
The only real reason I am getting out of bed anymore has come full circle to being my cat. I see no other point when I have no chance at being heard by the one person I want most. I know time away will be good, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but not when there isn’t any fondness to begin with. So I don't believe that applies to her. At the very least, I can pray I won’t be kicked out. The most I can hope for is a mediated discussion with each other, but she most likely won’t even want to. I am unsure what I would say, what may come out of it, it may get even worse. I need to talk about this with my college coach and my therapist to see if this is a viable idea for the end of the year. I would do anything not to have to fear who is where and what not next year. But how is she going to be convinced that this would be a valuable enough conversation to have in the first place?
She may completely decide to never deal with me again over the next 3 years if it is decided that a discussion is permitted. I need to have something I offer, I need to have something worthy to encourage her to want to talk to me, and care a bit about my side. I would do anything. I care so much about that beautiful girl, her quirks and all. I really messed up by hurting her, and I can never undo it. My parents are at a loss for what to do. They understand I am in pain and are having to put up with all my baggage, and I feel bad about it. They don’t have ill feelings towards her, they understand it is different on either side.
I wanted her to come with me for my mom tattoo, I think she would have been good with helping me make the decisions on it (as long as I went to her tattoo place ofc.)