May 20, 2025
I miss my baby. She isn’t mine anymore, but I still miss her every day. I never deserved the chance in the first place, it landed me in such a bad place. I feel stupid, but I guess only time will help it feel a bit better. I wish I could’ve just stolen her away and we could travel and explore and discover new things all the time. I wonder if she will ever know how much I truly love her. I don’t think she will. I don’t think she cares anyway. And she obviously shouldn't. I know I am selfish for wanting things I can’t have. It would be nice for her to know, though. No one understands how much I long for her presence. I wish she had heard me, but I also know I don’t deserve to be heard.
I’ve lost so much weight, I am down 12 lbs since the last time I checked at the beginning of April. I am not trying to, really, I don’t know why it is happening. I am beginning to succumb to being both alone and lonely. I really don’t talk to anyone. And the whole process of unpacking is really fucking me up. I am beginning to crave the feeling of being wanted. I feel gross because of it. I just want to feel appreciated and seen, though, and being wanted, I feel, is the easiest way to describe it. I want to be someone that another person wants. I meet with my therapist tomorrow, and I will try to see how to reframe this into something more positive and productive.
I don’t know why I’m so stuck. I am trying to let go. I need to let go. I am now home, alone, and depressed. It may just be worse than when I was at school. I haven’t left the house since I got home on my birthday. Fuck mental illness and fuck my brain bruh. Let me fucking function. I hate it in here. My thoughts are loud and they won’t stop. I tell them to, and they don’t. I spend a lot of energy fighting with myself, I wish I didn’t have to. I am having a hard time being okay with everything right now.
My speech has started to decline for some reason. I have started stuttering more frequently and worse than usual. I know it’s partially from genetics, but I feel there’s got to be something else for it to happen so randomly, though. It isn’t even when I am nervous, it is just like whenever I speak a standard amount. It is embarrassing.
I met with my therapist from home today, I missed her a lot. She is the only one who will not spare my feelings when telling me what’s up. I am working on getting into a DBT skills group asap, as that is what she needs me to do and believes will be most effective as of right now. I really appreciate her because she is able to tell me straight up, “(my name), how you reacted to ____ in ___ situation can really be seen as emotionally abusive. I know you and I know that is not anything close to what your real intentions are, but that’s how it is to anyone other than you.” Straight up, no feelings spared. That's what good therapists do. I guess unless you’re unable to handle harsh realities in the moment. She will sometimes preface things with, “I know this isn’t what you want to hear but…” and then let it rip. It’s like ripping a bandaid off, better to do it fast and hard and not drag it on. She is able to identify when I start to develop bad behavioral patterns and helps me aim to “nip it in the bud”. It also helps that she has been on the other side of this somewhat in terms of men being aggressive in her life and other similar things. This is helpful to give me a better understanding of the harsh truth of how she may have seen things when I clearly didn’t. The interpersonal issues I continuously run into are something I need to focus on finding how to resolve. Her belief is that the amount of hatred I have for myself is really what inhibits my ability to form healthy attachments and relationships with others. I can’t imagine actually deploying “self compassion” though. I do it for others, but I don’t feel I qualify for the same level of compassion. She picked up the repetitive deflecting and rejection of my emotions during today's session, and I hate that too, but I hate being emotional. I really hope this DBT shit helps. I am really alone at home now, without anyone around to run into, and I am pretty much isolated entirely. I am not being productive either, the depressive episode may have gotten worse in how debilitating it is with my basic functioning. I am not sure how it would be worse than when I was at school, I guess maybe it is because it is easier to stay in bed here.