May 17, 2025
I am now 19. I didn’t write much yesterday because once we got to New Jersey, we were very tired. My dad’s best friend is very kind and offered to store supplies for me over the summer, They were amazing hosts. I also learned that my cat was okay with the other small dog, who was used to cats and kinda was scared of him. The dog did not really bother him at all, and he didn't bother the dog; the dog was literally the same size as him. It is good to know he is okay with chill dogs like that. I wonder how he would have been with bigger dogs wanting to play like the two bigger, friendly dogs she has. I will never know, but that is okay. I worry about her commuting next year alone. I know she will be okay; she is a very independent and strong woman, but I also know how scary commuting is for her. If I were to have gotten a nicer apartment next year, I would let her stay with me whenever, however she would like. I am having a hard time accepting how disappointed I am with myself and how many regrets I have from this past year. I accept the feeling of being disappointed without an issue, but it's the part where I am supposed to be okay with it that I haven’t gotten to yet.
It doesn’t feel like my birthday, but it never has. The last celebration I had was in the fourth grade when my mom took me and my two best friends at the time to Six Flags for a day. One of my friends ended up sexually assaulting me by being weird in the two-headed shower of my parents' bathroom after a fun run from school ended, and we were covered in colored paint dust. They figured ‘it's okay, they are both girls, so it doesn't matter’, I was uncomfortable, and she did things I was not okay with, even if it wasn’t extreme. I never talk about it or process it because it is something I have worked through with different coping mechanisms and whatnot, and it doesn't bother me anymore. Anyways, the other girl ended up distancing herself from me starting sophomore year when she got a boyfriend. I was never given a reason, and ruined relationships trying to get her to stay, I tried so hard; she dragged it on for over a year and a half. She got me through tough times, though, so I am thankful for that. The only thing I ever heard was that her reasoning came from someone else saying she told them I was a ‘self-centered drug addict’. I did start smoking weed in my sophomore year, I had a really hard time getting through high school. And middle school. And elementary school. And preschool… I guess this is nothing new. I don't know why I thought anything could be different in college. Anyways, another off-train thought. The reason I brought up the shower thing is that I had never showered with anyone else since that happened to me when I was 10. That was until this year, and I had met the only person I have felt so comfortable with that I was okay with it. I was really scared at first, but she made me know it was okay and made me feel safe. I just thought that was something special for me, since it dates back to such a terrible time, and this is almost like a ‘checkpoint of level passed, this is something you have the ability to be okay with again’. That was something really special to me. I know that that is kind of weird to talk about, though, so anyways, moving on. It was just something I realized for some reason.
I see how adoring and loving my parents relationship is with their friends and knowing they met them in college makes me feel like I am really messing up in even that way too, like I didn’t meet my life long friends or some shit, we dont have frats though. But their way, I do have two friends I believe I will stay in touch with if they are okay with it. I hope they last. I could benefit from that.
I think it's funny this blog has basically turned into me documenting my processing of something I went through and my thoughts every day, and it was supposed to be originally about me feeling inadequate and stupid in school. I have a long car ride in front of me, 15 hours. My cat is being a very good boy. I don’t know what I would have done without him this year, I do think I would have ended up in the psych ward at least once, and then would have that on my recent records, making my surgeries be put off for years until it has been long enough for them to believe I am stable enough to make my own decisions. He does his job as an ESA.
Random thought, I wish I had taken her to more concerts of people she liked. I wish we got to see Big Thief together, or literally anything she listens to. I feel bad that I dragged her to concerts I wanted to go to, but she never did the same. I would have covered tickets if it were general admission. I love music events. I wish I were in a band. I hope she is okay. I know she is, I just really hope she's happy because I know seeing me yesterday probably really upset her. I can't wait for my turn to drive, I like driving for long periods of time. I wish I could have taken her on a road trip somewhere.
I am sad again. I should have done so many things differently. I hate that I hurt her. It's stupid that knowing I hurt her makes me feel the need to hurt myself in return to make it better. I will fix that this summer. I guess it's not necessarily stupid because it’s just because of how much I care, but it isn’t healthy, that's what I mean, and it caused a lot of issues. I will change it with the time I need to fix my shit. I think I can bring a list to my therapist of things I need to address: fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, self destructive/suicidal behavioral and thought patterns, rejection sensitive dysphoria, social anxiety, executive disfunction, effective communication, how to fucking function like a proper adult and make friends, finding a way to accept the fucked up parts of myself I cant do anything about but learn to be okay with, etc.
There is my brain, and then there is me. Me reminding myself that my brain is telling me ‘blah blah blah’ and then me having to correct it by reminding myself ‘I know my brain is sometimes wrong because it has faulty wiring’. There's me - my internal deliberate cognition, and then there is my brain - the automatic, uncontrollable parts I don’t consciously control. Having mood and thought disorders along with mental illness, oftentimes, can mean there are thoughts and feelings and the experiences that trigger them that I haven't learned how to react to in a healthy, productive way yet. This can make the never-ending spirals make a bit more sense as to why they happen so often in the first place. I have to learn how to get out of the spiral, NOT avoid everything that has the potential to trigger the thoughts that lead to the spiral in the first place. Avoiding shit will only lead to living a life of even more regrets.
I think she had “limerance” for me, but not love. Not in the way I think I ended up developing it, if that makes sense. Which is no one's fault, it is unconscious and not a chosen thing to endure. I think that could explain why she opts to delete photos of people she does not associate with anymore and other similar types of behavior. Which again, is not her fault, this isn’t something she chooses to consciously do, and I have the ability to recognize that. I also know this because I know that I would also most likely have had limerance instead of love if I weren’t on medications for my screwy brain wiring, I would have had similar types of limerance for people throughout my childhood before getting on proper medications later. On the other hand, I chose to love her after the initial limerance, even if it was way later than it should have been and took me learning from fuck ups to get to that point. Actually, it wasn’t a choice; developing a deep connection like love is something that you can’t force, so it’s not like I chose to love her. But I chose to care, show up, and commit when I did, and I didn’t do it at the correct time. I should have started better from the beginning, not waiting for uncertainty and moving, because my life was already so uncertain already, it shouldn’t have been so important to shield myself from potential emotional damage when I was already throwing myself into something much more extreme. I should have chosen to love her properly from the beginning when I first started developing the deeper feelings, even before I met her in person, I should have chosen to let myself care, commit, and show up when that started. It would have prevented so much. I am never lustful for other people when I commit to something, so my stupid comments and actions would never have happened in the first place. Point being, you can't choose TO love someone, or how MUCH you love someone. That's why I am here, struggling in the ways I am, because I didn’t choose how much I love her, and it just so happens to be a lot more than i think anyone could have guessed, even I didn’t know until the process of processing and letting go came a necessity.
I love Weezer. Sorry, I think that may have been a bad transition to a new paragraph, but Smile started playing, and I haven’t heard anything from their green album for a long while now. Rereading that, I think I may be able to answer why I have such a rough time socially… I’m hilarious. I can’t wait to look back at this whole blog thing years and years from now, I am sure that will be a roller coaster for future me, wherever he ends up. I wonder if my therapist thinks EMDR might be something I could try, I am the type of person who will try most things if they have a potential to help me at least once if its not permanent or some extreme shit. I feel I have missed out on so much due to the lack of things I did this year.
I just got done driving for 5 hours, we are 3 hours from home, almost there. I will most likely sleep as soon as I am home, so I will begin again in the morning.