May 13, 2025
I feel like shit everyday. I am hopeless for the future. I fear I will never find peace with myself or anyone else. I would really appreciate finding someone to grow with and work on being stable with.
I am tired of getting up only to be knocked back down every day. I messed up, I had a meltdown. And society’s expectations of me as a man with invisible disabilities are to never lose emotional regulation and maintain the ability to save face under highly emotionally intense situations. Even if people are made aware of my mental challenges, there is no easy way to accept the person struggling as a human with issues and someone who may have a harder-than-average time managing basic things that many other people have the ability to manage.
I would really appreciate feeling loved outside of my immediate family. I have doubts that someone whom I may meet after recovery will ever really want to be with such a person. I wrote poems about her I never got the chance to show her. I guess I wanted to find the right one to give. I wake up every day not feeling like myself, I am beginning to wonder if I ever did. I don’t want to get up today. I don’t want to have to face the world anymore. I really would rather not have to keep going.
The scorpion charm we have matching together fell off my backpack today. I think this is something not accidental or coincidental. I would like to be done now. I know the road ahead is even bumpier with the future plans I have. I know I will need much more support than what I have access to. I want to be done now.
I’ve learned how to be okay alone. I have been so since the sophomore year of high school. But I know I would much rather have the alternative. And I know I would enjoy not being alone. I don’t wanna have to wait three years to come back to school. EVERYONE knows my mental health challenges now, and it’s very unfair and uncomfortable. I don’t like this, and I am tired of trying to be okay. I will take civil legal action if things aren’t resolved through the school. I still wouldn’t move if a car tried to hit me. I don’t want to go to school right now or maybe even in the future anymore.
I hate her, but not really. I understand the makeup of why she acts and behaves the way she does. It isn’t conscious, I don't think. That’s why I feel bad. I never want to be with her again, but I would prefer to be okay.
Everyone thinks I am fucking crazy now. I want to not be here still. It has been a month starting tomorrow. Nothing has changed. I believe maybe it would have been better not to have met her, despite all the beautiful things I experienced with her and all the amazing memories I have, and all the things I learned. It is now directly impacting my future, and it is not good. I would like to be done now. Please?
I dont want to have to be a asshole, I would prefer if we could handle this like adults. I would appreciate feeling okay. I have had these feelings consistently for a full month now. I don’t believe anyone in my situation would be okay. I would really like to be okay. I need to be okay. The external factors are really making this difficult.