May 16, 2025
I am leaving today, I am writing this as it is past midnight and technically the 16th. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 19 years old, alone and lonely, still with neurological disorders (sex incongruence, ADHD, and likely ASD), still with mental illnesses (generalized anxiety, social anxiety, bipolar affective disorder, seasonal affective disorder, and dysthymia), still with other fucking disorders (psychophysiological insomnia, tic disorder), still on 11 different medications, and still in therapy (11 years total).
I remember worrying about her becoming codependent on me. I now realize I think I was self-projecting my worry of me becoming codependent on her.
I had my last class and am having the daunting realization; it’s just high school all over again, feeling unable to participate in school group events, and not feeling a part of a group. I am feeling like only failed relationships are what I end up having.
She’s now gone and i will never see her again. She carelessly placed my tattoo shit on the mail delivery shelf. She will never know how much I care about her. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, but it would still be nice for her to know.
I didn’t use to cry. But for this past month, I have cried very often, it is embarrassing and often at school so It is hard to pretend everything’s fine. Once I am home I guess i won’t have to try to appear okay.
I met with her today. I believe it is the last time I will have the chance to see her. I may not even come back to school for a while. I took responsibility. I don’t think she believed my sincerity. I don’t believe she will ever forgive me. I don’t think she will ever understand. That’s going to have to be okay. I know the only reason she met was because of the situation escalated to me wanting to file through the code of conduct for a defamation claim. But I trust her when she says she didn’t tell anyone anything untrue. I have no reason to doubt her. Although it was almost forced, I am really grateful for her being willing to talk to me. I think when the coordinator suggested a mediated conversation the first time, she didn’t think it meant that the coordinator would be there with us, because the coordinator said she would only meet if it wasn’t 1 on 1, and it never was going to be. I think that may have been miscommunicated and interpreted as if I was suggesting a 1-on-1. Doesn’t matter; things were cleared up. I am grateful for that. She gave me her time and energy, the very last of it she will give me, and I am thankful. I hope I can be a better person from this, and that I will make her proud of the person I become, even if she never sees it. I felt the hate in her eyes, I felt the pain that I was the cause of, I heard the things I did, and why they hurt so bad. But I am glad I did, I will never forget that conversation with the person I am learning to let go of. I am thinking about how I realized everything I have learned too late. If I were to have met her at a different time, I may have been better. I am going home now. My birthday is tomorrow. I will be driving back all day, but now I will have a sense of relief that I had the chance to take responsibility, whether it was or wasn’t received. I am thankful she gave me that, though I feel bad because it was not really by choice. I know she never would have if none of the shit on Saturday happened. I really hope she is able to recover from all the shit I caused. I really hope she has a better summer.
I learned from her that her parents texted mine pretty shortly after everything that happened. I wish my parents had told me, but I understand why they didn’t. They were trying not to upset me even more. I only wish now that I knew, because the wording used concerned me, because they said “from any further physical or psychological damage”. I don’t blame my parents for not telling me; they had talked to others about it and decided it was best not to respond. The message was not asking for a response, but she was mad that my parents didn’t respond. The message implied to reach out if needed to discuss further, and they decided they didn’t feel it necessary. They reasoned that responding would just mean they were taking responsibility for my actions, and they didn’t think they felt was right to apologize or say anything on my behalf. I understand their reasoning, but I also understand why she felt upset about there being no response.
I think there are many things I got wrong about her side of things, I am unsure if she’s the one who even called the police. I think there will continue to be things I get wrong about a lot of stuff, so I suppose it isn’t unhuman to have this issue, as long as it’s corrected once correct information is learned.
I think I will benefit from being home. The therapist I have back home will be good for me to continue working with, I think we are finding DBT groups for me to participate in. I hope I can see some of my few friends I have at home, and not at home, I will be driving to Illinois to see a long-time friend of mine, and I am looking forward to that. I will continue electrolysis and probably go more frequently, and it may even be cheaper. I will be working for $17 an hour, which is a very, very good wage for a state where the minimum wage is 7.25. I will be driving long ways only a few days, once I get back, to see if my surgeon can fix my nipple, so that is good too. I have my tonsillectomy soon, and then my hysterectomy. I will have a lot of time to spend working on my mental health and finding ways to handle things better in the future. I will reach out to my two teachers, whom I love, and talk to them about art. I will have my mom reach out to her friend to help me get into weight lifting, which I think is going to be good for my mental and physical health. I will also work on coming up with a schedule where I learn and work on skills I will need in school. I think I will also try to get summer tutoring from the writing center people so I can write better academically. It will be hard, but it will get better with the energy and time put into it.
I did make two connections this year, I am very happy to still have them. So not everything was terrible, I learned a lot and fucked up a lot, I still feel it was a really bad year and wish I could start it over and change so much. I still regret the entire year and feel it was one of the worst ones I have had in a while, but I have to acknowledge the good things that came out of it. I even loved again, even if it didn’t go well and led me to this state, it took two years for that to happen again, and it finally did, which I suppose is good. Maybe loving again wasn’t a good thing, but it reminded me that I still was capable of it. I am still capable of unconditionally loving another person outside of my family, I was scared to, that’s where a lot of this comes down to when it comes to my hesitation around being with another person in the beginning of everything. I unconditionally love my friend in Illinois, and that's platonic love, but I don’t think about actively consciously loving her because I am not always around her, and we don’t talk as often as you would with someone you see in person.