May 14, 2025
It has officially been a month since I was woken at 2:30 am to 5 police officers in my dorm while I was alone, yelling my name, with a flashlight in my face. I forgive her for the impact she has had on my life. I can acknowledge it was never intentional, and she did nothing on purpose. She, like me, is just human, and we all fuck up. To forgive is to recognize we all need to cut each other a little slack sometimes. To remember where one began, I like to envision someone in their childhood, very young, when attempting to teach myself to forgive someone when it is hard. To think of the possibilities of what may have been happening during times in their lives where they first began to develop into the person they are today.
Everyone has flaws in their development, ones that they did not choose themselves. I may not be able to visually see the troubles someone has gone through, but I know they exist. There is always some sort of trauma that someone has gone through before they knew how to cope with it properly. People can be maddening, but they have to be this way without trying to. Trying to reframe my thought patterns to question the origins of cruelty can help me consciously make the decision to cut people slack where needed.
I can also recognize my many faults and many things I may never be forgiven for by many people. I, like everyone, am a deeply imperfect and somewhat questionable individual. I must forgive, because I, too, need to be forgiven. I also must forgive myself in order to grow beyond my mistakes and fuckups. This will take time, but it will happen with patience and kindness to myself. I may have a hard time doing that now, but I will continue to practice for as long as I live. We all can benefit from being kinder to ourselves.
It is 2 am and I do not have my project that’s due at 11 am done. I must go to sleep, but I don’t want to get up in the morning, or the next morning, or the next morning. It is now 3 am. I am unable to sleep. I took my meds. The passing sirens keep waking me up. I don’t understand why I am still so jumpy a full month after the fact.
I actually think the thing where I have been smiling at people who clearly dislike me is not actually something I find funny, and that is the reason I am doing it. I think it may just be the only way I have found to make it so I don’t break down and fall apart every time I encounter this situation. I have not found a better, more effective way yet. I am not meaning to instigate anyone, and I hope that isn’t how I am coming across.
I am not angry anymore, I am sad. I’ve had this major depressive episode consistently for a month, and it is hard to find ways to be okay like this. I miss when things weren’t like this, I miss my friend. My fear of abandonment has most likely been reinforced again, and it’s no one’s fault but mine. We are fundamentally different people, and I function differently emotionally, and that is okay. People are so complicated, it's not a surprise we clashed often over silly things. It is human, and it is normal. Seeing other sides with a want for understanding is what will be best for everyone.
I am just so fucking sad. I can’t express it enough. I don’t know how to. I want to not be like this. I wish it were a choice, but I am choosing what I can.