May 19, 2025
Sometimes my mom reminds me of the fact that she didn’t believe she would live long enough to start school and see me in person at the beginning of last year. She reminds me of this sometimes to remind me that ‘she has her own issues too, it isnt just you’, which I appreciate what she is trying to do, but I immediately hit her with the ‘that isn't what this is about, regardless of her struggles, I hurt her’. I remember it, though. I really was worried about her. I was scared she could have been right. She really did not think she would get to school; she figured she had the worst luck in the world, and she was going to be one of those unfortunate stories of young healthy people who just drop dead from something rare and crazy all of a sudden. She also told me she was stable, but that's off topic. Later, she told me she lied, but she also didn’t realize she wasn’t when she told me she was, so in her defense, it wasn't on purpose.
I was looking at a charity auction for an animal rescue I work with sometimes, I came across the perfect terrarium for her future jumping spider. For some reason, it took me a few seconds to realize I had no reason to bid on it. :/ That reminds me, I wanted to show her these cool animal places she would have flipped over. I wish I had gotten to see her light up with all the things I could provide for her once I was in the right environment and state of mind. I mourn the idea. I wish I could show her everything at home, she really would like a lot of it. I still wish she would just pop out of nowhere and I could hug her forever and tell her everything, have her stay with me, take care of her, show her everything I wanted to share. I want that to happen so badly, but it won’t.
I worry I am growing up and growing out of things I used to obsess over. The things that sort of made me a bit strange to others. For example, when we were driving home and stopped like 5 times, there were sometimes claw machines. Normally, I would try at least once, but I didn’t really want to this time. To be fair, I did reason that the claw seemed weak and the prizes were lame, so I guess maybe I am just picky. Anyways, yesterday I began moving the college of magazine cutouts of Zendaya away from my bed board, even throwing some of them out. I am growing up, I am not sure how to feel about it. I also threw out so much shit from my room yesterday and probably will today too. I came across the folders I had put together of all of the notes I had collected from my exes when we were dating. I never will have the heart to throw them out, they hold good memories that I still treasure. I would spend so much time writing letters and making things for them, It was also when I had a ton of free time, I wish I had gotten to do as much for her, too. I saved everything I got from her, I guess I will make a new folder to treasure the good memories I have. I keep the bad ones, too. I don’t believe you can have one without the other. They coexist and cannot be entirely separated, ever, no matter how “perfect” things are. I forgot about the Pinhead Living Dead Doll. I dropped a big chunk of money months ago in preparation for her visit. It is not returnable either. And, I have a fear of dolls… So….. I am sort of stuck with what the fuckk to do. I would really rather she have it since I know how much she wanted it, instead of selling it. I don’t really care about the money. I was really hoping for her to visit and that I would be able to give it to her. I will hope for that idiotically. I am unsure why my brain refuses to accept reality, no matter how conscious and self-aware I am about the entire situation. It refuses to let go. Anyways, I need to figure out what the fuck to do with it. I suppose I will get to it eventually.
My kitty was such a good boy on Saturday during our 16-hour car ride home. He cried for maybe a total of 15 minutes throughout the entire 16 hours. That’s it, he slept much of the time, kneading his blanket and purring as you stroked his precious little head. It was a very, very long drive. One of my other cats have been being a butt to him and won’t leave him alone, I am sure he smells different and this could be part of the reason. I am positive it will solve itself in a few days.
I hope her family is doing well and she is healthy. I hope she is happy right now and doing amazing things. Her final for our studio class came out really nicely. It was gorgeous to look at. I am sure she is creating super cool things right now and talking to cool people, and doing cool things. I hope she is really good. I feel I care more about that than how I am. I wish I were still a part of her life, but I am not, and I have to be okay with that now. I also have to gently remind myself every time I think of these things that I have no right to want to be a part of her life anymore, and that there is nothing I can do about that now. I just have to learn to be okay with it and move forward.