May 18, 2025
I think every time I listen to Harbor by Clairo, I will end up thinking about her. There’s a lot of it that I feel very connected to regarding everything that’s happened and everything I have processed through so far this past month. I returned the love I received too late and left myself in the one-sided relationship I had. Part of it is also feeling like I put a lot into working for the longevity of the relationship, whatever it would be, and I felt I put a lot into working at being there for her. Part of this could also have credit given to my flawed perception of things, often not letting me see things until too late, because she was there for me and was doing the best she could with what she had and what she knew. She has not had the same experiences as I, so I can’t expect her to understand my needs or how to support me if I can’t articulate them clearly enough. Some of the songs would be directed to me and would be coming from her since I had made her feel some of the ways expressed in the song as well. I also think the Genius analysis of the song isn’t entirely correct, though, and I find myself more relating to a bit of what someone on Reddit felt it meant to them. Lyrics can mean one thing to one person and another to a different person. And they could be completely different. And so, I may as well give my interpretation that no one asked for and make it my task for the next hour instead of organizing all the shit I brought home and bring productive. Yes, this is my ADHD, and yes, I am self-aware of what it’s doing, and yes, I also don’t have the energy to divert it otherwise. This is a pattern I have always had, which can sometimes be good and sometimes be bad. Once I decide I am going to do something, I become very hyper-focused on it.
So, given that, I now present you with a mentally ill, fucked up teenage boy’s analysis of Harbor by Clairo’s lyrics.
Okay, I'm finished now And I kept my faith for long enough
I feel here would be me reflecting on my past relationship and have "kept my faith for long enough" in something I know would be rough due to my challenges alone, recognizing I was already going to be a lot for anyone in the first place. From the beginning, I was so hesitant, and that alone made things start off rough, and that really was due to a lot of different factors, but most notably my fear. Anyways, this would be me giving up on the idea after all the fuckups I have already piled up ontop of eachother, and recognizing that I realized my true feelings and the reasons behind things much later than was necessary for it to have had made a differece.
And I hope I'm old and fairly sober If I'm let down
This would be me hoping that if this something that happens again in my life, I want to be more mature and be able to cope with it healthily instead of the patterns I have developed and am working to correct.
Maybe you keep me around For the constant affirmations While I scrounge for understanding And fall out
For me, this feels like what I felt while really working to try and put effort into constantly seeking out ways to better the communication between us, and the effort I put into seeking an understanding of how she sees things, regardless of how successful I was. (In her eyes, I doubt she thought I was even trying due to slip-ups taking over any of the things I did right, if that makes sense. Like I know for myself, that I really put a lot into finding ways to be better to her and understand things from her view, even if it wasn't obvious to her.) Anyways, it is the end, and yet my connection to her lingers, but it is only false comfort. Fallout would be the ineffective arguments we would have (I will probably touch on arguments at some point, and why effective arguments are actually healthy in relationships at some point). But falling out also to me would also be learning to let go, falling out of the situation itself.
I'll let you win, and I'll let you tie The ribbon to my hair Just so that we could come back to this If we really cared The morning gates stay open If you had a thought that I'd be there Oh, I'd be there
This part is important to me, I feel I have lost a losing battle, and am giving in (not like I have a choice). Despite all the shit we’ve put eachother through, I still want this person in my life even after the falling out and rupture of everything, if there was ever a chance. I would let her win and tie the ribbon to my hair in case there was ever a tiny itty bitty speck of a chance that we could come back from this broken relationship. We remained intimate despite things not being smooth. This relationship could be something, but I recognize now is not the time, and I have far too much fucked it up. Even though I wasn’t getting what I needed at the time from the person, I recognize it was not their fault; it was mine, for many reasons. I am willing to let her back into my life if she ever decides to try, and I’d be waiting at the morning gates for her. My stupid self is open to the idea of a new start in our relationship. I know she isn’t, but I will be if the time ever were to come. It is hard letting go of something you treasure, here would also be me admitting that part of me will always love her, and I will always be there for her.
Know we could use a break Because I can't feel my feet Carried you all the way upstairs So you can sleep and I can think
There was points where I felt I was the only one trying in the relationship (its important to note that I know this is just my perception and not reality) but, feeling tired after we have come so far with eachother and I feel I have grown with time as a person, even if it’s just a little bit. She doesn’t believe change is necessary and is comfortable where she is (also can recognize that this is most likely from the codependency she has on her parents when it comes to every part of her life, but that is a false perception on my part because I only saw things from the outside and made judgements off of that, and I know it isnt really true.) I don't want to leave her behind, I don't want to let go fully, but we also need a break so we can grow separately as people in our lives. I want her to grow and be the happiest she can be. Maybe a solution will come up; no one knows the future, but I need to think. Carrying you all the way upstairs, feeling like I carried much of the emotional load and baggage of everything sometimes. I felt it went unnoticed and unappreciated when I would do anything to provide her with a more comfortable space for her rest, while I would be left with a shit ton of burdening thoughts running through my mind. (This is to be seen as a metaphor, though, not as much to be taken literally, but I guess also could do that too).
Stand guard When I am near Clinging on To everything you fear
This hits hard in different ways. I feel like I am somewhat related to what she fears. Mostly being a man. And more specifically, when I came off as physically aggressive and made she concerned that I would hurt her. Which every day really really bothers me, I haven't gone a day without thinking about it. She now feels like she should be alarmed and fearful every time she is near me. Clinging on to everything you fear, I am her monsters and nightmares or someshit, whatever you describe it as, I am never getting rid of that image. Another thing is that my fears could be seen as what makes me up, and her fears could be seen as what makes up her.
Keeping mе close While you hold me out and say "I don't lovе you that way"
She would most likely be the one associating these lyrics with me, because of how I set up the relationship to be from the beginning, refusing to date, not realizing it was just me being cowardly and scared of being hurt again. But for my side of things, I was keeping her close, but I had to convince myself and her that I didn’t love her romantically or anything deeper than surface platonic friendship. I was being kept close but not being loved, which I had a hard time with because for me I was having to lie to myself and (a lyric that comes up later) “pretend until its true” that I didn’t have this deep love and connection to her like I did in reality. I did this because I knew if I didn’t, I wouldn't be able to be in her life, so I was taking the ‘fake it til you make it’ approach. Another way I feel this verse could apply would be that it is me telling myself to ‘stand guard’ while we remained in each other's lives, it was just different now. Recognizing that ‘keeping close’ is dangerous, because though we are keeping our old ways away, and could say in agreement that for both of us it applied that “I don't love you that way”, I had to remain on guard and she had to do the same. I have no clue if any of this makes sense to anyone other than me. But that is okay.
Harbor myself away from everyone else I'm half-awake and intimate Eyes closed and I'll commit What I wish I had with you I'll pretend until it's true I don't love you that way
This whole song makes me bawl. Not actually, but I have quietly cried to it recently. More correctly, this song makes me feel like sobbing, that feeling in your chest and stomach when you just feel that feeling of shit. Anyway, now, I need to harbor myself away from everyone else. The relationship and this entire year, and specifically this situation, have taken a mental and emotional toll on me, and now I need time to cope and work through things alone. Harboring myself away is also my attempt to be as unbothered by everything as much as she is, and appear to be fine, I guess. This isn’t just about the relationship, but it’s also about me as a person and learning from the past and present. I tend to commit to something intimate while being “half awake”. I’d commit while blind, blindsided to why I didn’t commit sooner, without understanding what blinded me and made me have my “eyes closed” (this in turn ended up hurting me, and ended up hurting her). I now pretend that what I wish I had with her is something that could’ve been true, and then I have to remind myself of the agreement we made when staying in each other's lives after breaking up. Reminding myself, “I don't love you that way”. Which I also have to pretend is true until maybe it becomes true.
Swallow the pill It's only fair that I hear Know myself better Than I have in years I don't know why I have to defend what I feel I try
Swallowing the pill. Accepting unpleasant news, realisations, and situations. I need to be honest about the situation, regardless of how hard it is to accept. I am working towards healing and using this all to know myself better. I question why I have to explain my feelings when they don’t matter anymore to her. But now I try to do it more for myself, I guess. Despite how shitty this year has turned out, I have learned so much about myself because of how much fuck ups happened.
Stand your guard When I am near Loathe me until You're reminded of the deal One of us knows When you hold me out and say "You don't love me that way"
I want her to crave my presence again. I want her to understand how I feel. ‘The deal’ referred to I feel me is the ‘morning gates’, the fact that I will still be here for her always. Loathe me until she's reminded if and when the time is right, ‘the deal’ still stands. We will go through ups and downs in our separate lives, thinking about what happened. But I suppose everything will always have to come back to the conclusion of “you don’t love me that way”. So, stand guard, while I want to remain close to you, you and I can improve, and we will get better on our own. But if we try this again right now, we know that we will end up right where we are now. So maybe with time. But right now, tell me that you “don't love me that way”. Or maybe that's what I have to continue telling myself about my feelings for her. I am unsure. But I deeply care about this pretty intelligent lady, and I want to help if I can. But I need to harbor myself away as a part of it?
I am unsure how much if that made sense, but it doesn’t matter really. I think of her when I hear it.
She would’ve loved my parents' fancy bidet 💔. I forgot how nice their bathroom is compared to my shitty dorm. I forgot to mention, I have had a full-body breakout with a dotty, itchy, red rash all over my body. It is very uncomfortable. I had finished the amoxicillin 2 days ago, it is most likely a reaction to it. That is gonna suck butt cuz amoxicillin is such a common antibiotic. Welp, add that to the list, I guess. Sulfa and amoxicillin for drugs! I go every day about my business, and I swear at least a dozen times a day, I have to consciously remind myself that she hates me every time I think of her. It’s a repetitive process, I could see something and be like ‘she would love this’ and then have to correct my thought process and reframe it and remind myself that ‘she would’ve loved this’. And then it starts all over again. When I think of something that I would want her to know, it’s ’she does not care what you want anymore. stop thinking about her.’ Or I remember something she said to me, or a conversation we had, ‘that has ended and there is no revisiting it.’
I wish she could tell me whether or not these clothes I bought look okay, I don’t know who to ask; I trust someone who has a sense of style and would be honest. she was so patient with me and all my medical bullshit. I don’t understand why my dumbass wasn’t the same in return. I feel stupid. She deserves so much better. I want her to have better. I also know that isn’t me as much as I want it to be; it’s too late.
I can’t stop thinking about how I wanted to do so many things with her here. I’m cleaning out things and throwing stuff out that I knew she would’ve loved, but I have no reason to keep anymore. I wish I could have done so many things with her here. Away from school, parents, maybe some stress that she carries? I guess it was just an ideal dream I vaguely had, but now that it’s gone completely, and I am here physically with the absence is not as vague as it was when I was away. I can imagine her here with me, things she would say to me, things she would do, ways she would act, how she would look. For some reason, I can imagine it so clearly. I just keep finding things I wish I could have given her. I wish all the time for all these things, but it won’t make them happen. Holy moly, I have discovered so many still sealed, brand new chapsticks that she would lose in a week. I swear she could lose one every day, even with the holder. She is funny sometimes. I miss her.