May 15, 2025
I wish I had thought more about how my self-destructive behavior could trigger a response originating from her abusive household. I never wanted to be seen as someone aggressive. I would never hurt another being, unless needed or to protect someone else. I hate that I was seen through the lens of someone who has dealt with abusive men, and was associated with them based on the similarities in behavior, such as crying and banging. I know people who know me would also be able to confirm I am not a violent person, but with how things are being framed, it seems to everyone who is not close to me believes I am based on the information they have available to them. Which again, isn't their fault, as it is the only information they have to make that judgment.
The heart is fickle, and absence will only make the heart grow hungry and neglectful for what it longs for. I don't want to be seen through the lens of someone who never cared enough to work to truly understand me as a being. But that is not up to me once a situation leaks into the public view.
I need to overcome my social issues, most likely associated with the way my brain is wired differently. People with neurodiverse brains notoriously struggle with forming and maintaining relationships with others. This is one of my weak points. I have been studying and practicing new skills regularly for over a year now, but it is not enough to compensate for the deficiency I have in that area. This weakness really affects me and my ability to function in ways that people without these deficiencies don’t have to worry about. I try to give myself credit where due, but I don’t like the implication that I am somehow “less than” others due to my challenges and differences. The thing I have a hard time reminding myself about is the simple fact that many things I do are much more difficult for me to do than for other people. I have to work twice as hard to achieve things that take most people half the effort to accomplish.
I would really appreciate understanding how she’s feeling about all of this, and what’s happening. There are two days left. Today, and tomorrow. And then I leave. I hope I can find peace this summer, even if I don’t get the chance to resolve this. I am losing patience. I am unsure if it was really ever there in the first place. Regardless, there is no time to wait around, and no progress is being made as of now. This frustrates me, and I am doing my best to handle things calmly, but I am very stressed out.
I am very fucking depressed and very fucking stressed. I am so so fucking sad. I believe this is the saddest I have been in years. I don’t think she ever actually loved me, she just thought she did. But I think it’s just my brain telling me that. Things have gotten worse again. The only communication has been that she’s unwilling to speak with the coordinator or me. I am drowning in my own shit. I don’t think she loved me in the deep, unconditional way I have come to love her. I think she idealized me in ways I didn’t live up to, and could not live up to in the time allotted patience she had given me.
I am already so stressed about school and moving out, packing always makes me have unnecessary meltdowns and panic attacks. Everything on top of this is drowning me. If she were to hear me, I don't think it would matter. The type of person she is blinds her from seeing a better future that is in her reach. She is not unhappy with where she is in life, but she will make sure to put it on others to help her put up with it. Which I didn’t mind, all I wanted to do was find a way to best support her. The buildup of how complex our relationship was made it hard not to be attached in ways you wouldn't be to someone you never dated or had such a strong personal and intimate connection with.
She had a tough upbringing and a much different life than mine, we brought our different experiences and perspectives to the table. That is something beautiful about connecting with another being. The different experiences and perspectives allow us to learn from each other as we discover those sometimes painful, sometimes joyful memories from our pasts, forcing us to see deeper into the other's world and life. I wouldn't say forcing, though, it's more of a privilege, I would think. To have that ability is to have such a connection to someone where you feel safe enough to see things through another's eyes. I wish I had gotten the chance to see her grow, she hasn't had enough time to address the biggest issues needing to be faced yet, she hasn't had time. She is just restarting therapy, and progress takes years of work. I wanted to see her grow and become an even more beautiful person. I won't see. I wanted to. I wanted to be there every step of each other's ups and downs. More importantly, in our downs, but much more delightfully at our ups.
I will continue to mourn the loss of this, the loss of my chance at a better, fresh start. I will mourn the type of year I had wished I had, the friends I wish I made, the connections I wish I formed, the things I wish I did, the people I wish I treated better, the things I wish I had done, the things I wish I didn’t do. I will mourn the loss of time, the loss of mental energy spent on things other than education, making it impossible for my brain to work. I will mourn the loss of never getting to be the person I long to be, the person I wish I were to others, the friend I wish I were to myself, the person I wish I were to her. I mourn thinking about the clothes we will never tailor, the walks we will never go on, the looks we will never exchange. I will mourn the times that I wish I treasured closer than I did in the moment, the hours spent sitting in the presence of the other, the places I wish we went, the restaurants I wish I took her to, the shops I wish we went in, the adventures I wish we got to go on, the life we could have built even if it wasn’t with eachother romantically, the things I wish we made, the music I wish we heard, the sights I wish we saw, the dogs I wish I had pointed out to her, the parks I wish we had went to, the flowers I wish I got her, the trinkets I wish I bought her, the trips I hoped we would go on, the shows we would go to, the animals we would have pet, the spider we would have cared for, the books we could have read together, the conversations we will never have, the movies we wanted to see, the things we wanted to share, the achievments we strove to work towards, the peace we longed to find, the clairty I always dug for, the tactics we would have worked on figuring out in order to best support one another, the bones I wish we collected, the oddities I wanted to show her, the silly instagram things she would have showed me, the hugs I will forever miss, the eyes I will never see, the voice I will always treasure, the thoughts I will never hear, the fears I will never be there to see overcome, the quiet moments we will never share, the feelings we will never feel.
I wish i took her concerns more seriously, just because I haven’t experienced any of the scary shit doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I was only dismissive about it in an attempt to make myself not concerned as well. I realize now how that would be upsetting to her and seen as dismissive. I guess this terrible situation will force me to learn from my mistakes so as not to make them in the future. I say this as I see more things pop up with things she was scared of happening, happening in proximity.