What If?

April 25, 2025

I have decided I am tired of avoiding the what-ifs, make a blog about it, get it out I guess.

• What if I had been there when it happened?
• What if I came back sooner?
• What if I had asked for more time to process?
• What if I had given it more time before trying to talk to her?
• What if I had given something more special, like a Living Dead Doll from Forbidden Planet, instead of Goldfish?
• What if I just gave her space before trying to speak?
• What if I didn’t spiral manically and start contacting her and others in every way possible?
• What if I didn’t text stupid shit to try to get her to listen?
• What if I had gotten the ice and had a reset before anything else?
• What if I had talked to someone?
• What if I didn’t tell her to call someone?
• What if I had let Vicky (not real name) in when she knocked originally?
• What if I had just gone to bed?
• What if I didn’t react like a fucking toddler and become self destructive?
• What if I had been calm and processed clearly and had avoided the whole manic episode?
• What if I didn’t slam the door?
• What if I didn’t yell and scream?
• What if I didn’t bang my head into the walls?
• What if I didn’t stupidly grab a knife?
• What if I didn’t become hysterical?
• What if I didn’t comply with the police?
• What if I didn’t lie to the psychiatrists at the hospital?
• What if I didn't have my cat?
• What if I didn’t get a ride home and just tried to walk and find my way back?
• What if I had just gotten hit by a car?
• What if I didn’t get a doctor's note?
• What if I didn’t show up to the meetings?
• What if my parents weren’t there to help?
• What if my parents weren't on the phone?
• What if I had just lain in the street?
• What if I had asked for my tattoo gun back?
• What if I never went to North Carolina?
• What if I stopped getting out of bed?
• What if I just stopped?
• What if I had just called my therapist or doctor?
• What if I stopped my stupid plan to get her to talk to me by needing a pad?
• What if I had done it in person on Tuesday?
• What if I never tried anything?
• What if I talked to one of her friends?
• What if I talk to and beg her not to tell, and that I would be expelled if she did?
• What if she knew how scared of her I am?
• What if she knew everything?
• What if she gave a shit?
• What if I hadnt done all this stupid shit in the first place?
• What if I weren’t so impulsive and immature?
• What if I had just let it go?
• What if I get too close?
• What if she hears something?
• What if she never cares?
• What if I never see her again?
• What if I never talk to her again?
• What if I get a restraining order put on me?
• What if she always sees me as a fucked up person that intentionally hurt her?
• What if I can never tell her the truth?
• What if I never am able to live the the reality of the situation?
• What if I just jumped?
• What if I just got on my knees and begged her to listen, as it's my last chance before I ruin my future?
• What if I wasnt so fucked in the head?
• What if I didn't hate myself so much?
• What if I never did any of the stupid shit I have done and said and whatever in the last year and whatever?

God, I feel so sick, I am willing to mess up my entire future for this woman, and it’s scary and stupid. I’m so on edge and don’t know what the fuck to do. I fucking hate myself.