May 02, 2025
Gooooooood morning. I did NOT want to get out of bed.
I am worried I am going into a psychotic episode. (I just decided to take a test online and…) “Your Results — Psychosis & Schizophrenia Test: Possible Risk for Psychosis. Your responses suggest that you may be going through a tough time and that you may be at risk for psychosis.”
Cool. Anyways, I am very anxious about the inevitable no I am going to get for the mediated conversation. Although I already know the answer, I am scared to hear it. I am so disgusted with myself. I haven’t had a sex drive for about a month now, and I am not exaggerating. Something broke, I think. Or maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. I am unsure what the right and wrong things to feel are. I have gotten better, I can accept everything to an extent. It does not change the feeling and devastation of it all. And once again, it's my fault.
On other news, I had a good time at the concert last night and befriended a NYU student who is studying film, he is very nice. I also potentially got a remote job position for over the summer, which is great because of the pay at home being much lower, and my schedule being kind of fucked. So, some good things. Doesn’t make up for the pain I caused to someone I love.
The glares are getting to me. I want to not be a person anymore, I messed it up too much. Let me be a rabbit or a pigeon or a rat or a cat.
I know this is unfixable. I know it’s far gone. I know it’s my fault. And, I know that I regret a lot. I miss her very much. It was never the idea of her, it was her as her whole self. I know this for a fact because, as I reflect on the things I miss, I also miss the things that would normally bother me, the things that made her human. I don’t just miss the good times I had with her, because those times only came with the bad ones, and that’s just how life is. You can’t have the good things without the bad. Oftentimes, the bad times are more common than the good as well, at least that’s how my life tends to work. But that forces me to appreciate the smaller things. And I know I say that and didn’t outwardly express it as much as I should have, because I am positive that if I did, many things would have made everything just a little bit better. She wouldn’t have wondered if I felt like I was being dragged around by her (I never was, I enjoyed accompanying her despite whatever mood I happened to be in or what it was we did). She wouldn’t have felt like I wanted to not be seen with her, and like I wasn’t showing enough love. There are so many things I should have done differently. Especially figuring my shit out before attempting to form ANY type of relationship with her. That was not fair to her. Despite being unconscious of it, it doesn’t make it okay. I realize now I was still figuring out what I needed and wanted, and did not know that at the time. Engaging with anyone in that period is not right, even if accidental. I don't think I will ever be able to fully forgive myself, even if she were to. I can’t look at myself without remembering seeing the damage my selfishness caused firsthand. Everything after that was a blur, the episodes I have, I am never fully there, I am not in control of myself and my body. That’s why I become so scared of being alone.