Crazy

May 10, 2025

I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel crazy. Nothing feels real. I never dream, and last night I dreamt that her friends were screaming for her to get her to go with them to an event, and I could hear her name from my dorm. I looked through the peephole and saw them all gathering, and one ran down a floor shouting for her to go with them. I just watched.

I want to speak to her friends, but the risk I feel is too high. I am defeated. I wish I could tell her she isn’t annoying, she isn’t too much, she isn’t delusional, she’s doing her best, how proud I am of her.

I am tired of dissociating. I am so dizzy and nothing feels real, and it hurts. I want to feel real. I need to snap out of this shit. I think I’m going to fill up a bowl with ice and cold water and dunk my face in it and see if that works. Update- it didn’t fix the out-of-body feeling. I still feel disconnected from everything. I did an hour-long meditation this morning, too, to try and reground myself. My classmates are all going to my drawing teacher's BBQ, which he’s throwing. I would have loved to go. I feel too ill, unfortunately. I feel so useless. I am missing out on so much due to things I have no say in. I don’t want my mental state to be like this. I don’t want my brain to process things in this way. I wish I felt okay. They are getting to see his studio and meet people and meet his dog and all this shit and i’m thinking i’m fucking dying.

I think one thing I need to make sure I stay on top of is emotionally regulating myself healthily. I will focus more on this when school gets out.

I tried to reach out this morning to a former friend of mine who is now basically only hers. I haven’t heard back. I am very scared. I just want to talk to her (the friend) and hear a different perspective on things. I don't want to push things, though. I am concerned it may be seen as a third-party attempt to contact, but I just want to talk to the friend I previously had.

I see everyone enjoying themselves and each other and life, and I am happy for them. I do feel jealous, though. I need to learn to get to that point, I guess. Maybe mental illness isn’t real, and I’m just making everything up. Why can’t I just have a normal head?

I haven’t talked to my parents today. I will not reach out if they don’t. I don’t want to bother them. I feel so out of it. My vision is not very clear, my sensations in my body are not very strong, it’s such a strange feeling, it is very unpleasant. I have seen no one but my electrolysis person today. It is 2 PM. I am exhausted. I wish I had gone to the BBQ, but I have nothing left in me to push through. I will sleep. And hopefully, someone will respond, and I will have a reason to get up. I have work to do, yes, but I cannot do it for myself. If someone else needs me, though, I would have more energy to do that. Then, while I am already up, I can hopefully tackle some of my own work too.

I need to do laundry too, and clean my cat’s water fountain. I should probably get food too. These things would have been easy for me earlier in the year, but now they feel impossible. Mental illness is real, unfortunately, I have tried to get rid of it, and it is still here. I wish I were one of those guys who go to the gym every time there’s an issue and gets ripped from his problems. At least then I'd feel better about my arms not being so skinny.

I have woken up again, no one has texted. I guess I am not currently needed. I wish I had a reason to exist outside of caring for my cat. Right now, I don’t feel as if I have one.

I hate being in this mopey state. I want really badly not to be. I don’t like feeling so pathetic. I am embarrassed to exist. I seriously feel so fucking pathetic it’s unreal. None of this is real. I’m not real. I want to stop everything. I can’t do it anymore.

Update- She has been telling people I tried to stab her! Will continue on this information more tomorrow.