May 07, 2025
I am so fucking exhausted in every possible way. I am amazed I haven't just flopped onto the floor unconscious yet. It has been hard. I have decided I will not work, I will sleep. I am sitting underneath the stairs in the main building. We had class and I felt I was not well and still feel that way, and could not speak in class. After class, I was to give my friend a bag of avocados for the potluck today, but I was going up the stairs until I realized she was also going up the stairs. I out loud said “fuck” and exited the stairwell. I regret saying that, and I hope she didn’t hear me. I am worried I am in an episode of psychosis, and I am having a really hard time functioning. I don't feel I have anyone I can put this on right now either, and I really just want to tough it out to get through the end of this week and next week. I know I can do it, but I am really struggling and am at a loss. I met with both my therapist and the school therapist yesterday. I am actively talking to people. I dont want to screw up other people’s sense of peace either. My mom has offered to call, but I don't feel meeting and talking with people is what will help right now. I am unsure what will. In my dream land of perfection and delusion, she would come to me right now and we could talk, and I could fall into her arms and tell her how sorry I really am. How hard I am working on everything. And how seeing her upset with me and unable to apologize and take responsibility for my actions makes me feel that the only way I can truly show her respect is by fully disappearing. And I know that’s what she wants. It’s what she needs. I am positive her therapist is working with her on this and is validating all the things she feels about me, and she has every right to. I am glad she is able to disconnect from me. It is good for her. I wish it were easier for me. I feel like a ridiculous toddler.
I have been sitting in the stairwell now for about half an hour, I couldn’t wait to get back to my dorm before breaking down. Now I am stuck. Talking to people won’t help, and someone sitting with me won’t help. I am stuck, I don’t know what to do. I feel paralyzed in this position. I have so much work I need to get done. I’m tired of making my issues other people’s too. that’s what made shit so bad in the first place. I haven’t received a no yet, but I worry that being too open about how much I'm struggling right now with the coordinator will make my chances of conversation even lower. If I break down in public and she sees, then she also will be even more put off. It’s crazy how much this is affecting me, I know it’s silly. I don’t want any more distractions, all I do is work to distract me, and I can’t even function well enough to do that. i want to ask the coordinator if she’s heard back, but I know pushing won’t help and will only make things worse. And I know she would tell me if she heard anything. I am so lost. I need to go to class. I have so much work. I am stuck. I only want to speak to one person, and that person hates me, and I am unable to speak to her. I think I am just going to sleep until I get an answer, so I don’t do anything stupid. It’s been two hours since I've been underneath these stairs. I haven’t moved yet. I need to. Class has already started. I am so lost and tired of myself. I don’t want to deal with you anymore. You, as in I, I as in me. I don’t want to deal with myself any longer.
I wish I weren’t so irritable all the time. especially when I was with her. My irritability made me minimize her worries and concerns, and that wasn’t very kind of me. I wish I had noticed that and changed it earlier.
I want to be insane and do a silent form of protest where I don’t do any work, and I don’t eat, and I don’t leave my dorm for anything until I get a response. But that wouldn’t really evoke a response either. Next time I get in a relationship and I really see myself with them long term, I'm investing in couples therapy before there is even an actual concern or reason for it. That way, we can learn to communicate healthily and set up roots for long-term success. I think doing that before problems even arise would be best. I doubt many people would really feel comfortable doing that, tho too. That’s also considering IF that relationship with someone were to ever happen, and at this point, I am going to admit that I am a bit nervous about never finding someone to grow together with.
I wish I were better to her. I put her under excessive pressure, I suffocated the person I adored. And I now also understand more about why I acted as I did. And that harvests deep regret and anger towards myself. I hadn't understood the things inside myself that would resist my hope of having a full, loving relationship with someone. I didn’t see the extent of my wounds, where they had come from, or how they might impact others. I knew how important communication is, and my understanding of what that meant was false. I didn’t properly communicate my hurt and anger in healthy ways to find understanding within each other's emotions and beautiful brains. And I didn’t know what the impact of that would be. Resentments build up in me that I can’t name or control. I was disgusted with myself and went off finding external bandages to distract myself from my real pain, thinking it was natural, thinking nothing more of it. But deep down, I was furious with how I had already messed up so badly in the beginning of everything, and felt I had to extinguish everything while I could. All at the same time of keeping myself distracted from what was eating at me from the inside. Instead of properly communicating with the one I adored, and felt I had already lost, I ended up having interactions online with someone I didn’t even really like. I couldn’t understand why, but I wanted to rebel against some sort of hurt buried in my unconscious. By the time this passed and things progressed as they did, I forgot about everything and pushed it out of my mind.
Now, I have decided to learn the proper truths about how I am in love based on analyzing my past experiences. I am filled with extreme waves and episodes of intense sadness and anger at what I ruined and what could have thrived in safer, more self-knowledgeable hands. I have irrevocably ruined the stories I had envisioned playing out in the future because of my insight coming too late. Now that I am able to see more clearly now with the forced distance from everything, there are so many things and apologies I long for her to hear, there is so much love that doesnt know where it can go anymore, and there is so much fucking sadness behind every smile. I feel so pathetic.