May 06, 2025
Because it is past 12, I will count this as May 6th. I am only about a week from 19, which means I am nearly 20. What am I doing with myself? What is important to me? What will make everything worth it? How do I figure this all out? I have learned I have “passive suicidal ideation,” an interesting concept. Like having the passive wish that you’d end up in a fatal accident or something of the sort, without doing anything to sort of just take one out of one's “misery,” I say that in quotations because I know I am fortunate and extremely lucky to be in the circumstances I am in. I feel guilty that I have these struggles that are, in the grand scheme of things, so small. I am embarrassed that my brain forces me to think in these drastic ways. I am able to logically reason that these issues and much smaller than many other people's, and I shouldn't be having such a difficult time while others are in much worse circumstances. But I do.
The unfortunate reality of my current mental state follows the lines of these thoughts:
I am tired of writing, and I want to try integrating an audio recording in here, so let's try that.
I guess I will see if that works in the future. I don’t want to present tomorrow. Presentations make me sick. I don’t want to keep playing this game. Sims has become way too realistic, and I can’t change my character. :( I miss having fewer worries and cares. When I felt I had the luxury of wasting time. Now, there always has to be a bigger purpose. Such as this, trying to process and work through my emotions and mental processes to better myself for whoever has the unfortunate fate of joining me in life next. Hopefully no one for their own sake ffs.
This week, I hope she doesn’t come to class since I have to present. If she is there, I may just have to end up leaving. I don’t want my presence to bother her.
I just had therapy this morning with my therapist, and I don't even think it's helping anymore. I'm just being told things that I already know. Nothing is improving and I'm tired of sitting here and feeling like shit about myself like a fucking loser. I know how obnoxious and stupid it is in reality, especially to others. I'm at the point where if someone were to hold a gun to my head, I really wouldn't be concerned. And I used to be. I used to be. I used to care, even just a few weeks ago, I cared about whether I got hit by a car or safely crossed the crosswalk. I cared whether I woke up in the morning or not. It was still hard, but at least I cared a bit. But now I don't, and it's scary, and I don't wanna feel like this. It's not nice to feel like this, and I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do to work on not feeling like that, and I guess that's all I can do.
She came to class today. There is no way I am presenting. One- I feel sick, and my voice is hoarse. Two- fuck no. I am unsure how I will be able to present even next week, since she will be there, because she has to present too. I cannot focus, I keep glancing at what she's doing. I need to stop. I feel I may need to remove myself from the environment. I am overheating, I feel sick, I have long gone into dissociation, and am no longer in my body. I am wrong, I am bad, I am making her uncomfortable. I can’t stop myself from looking, and I need to. I know I am in the wrong. I am so, so, so bad. I want to hurt myself again. I need to regulate. I really don’t like myself. I have to keep reading this over and over: Even if she never wants to speak to me again, that boundary is valid. I caused pain, and part of taking responsibility means accepting that reconciliation may not happen.
She keeps texting someone. I am a bad creepy fucked up person for want to know what. I am identifying that I am having a cognitive distortion and am mind-reading. I don't really know what she's thinking, but I think I do. I feel I know what she thinks about certain things. I still am looking at her with such awe at what a beautiful person she is. I have decided she is testing me. Depending on how I behave and whether I can control myself or not, it may be what she is waiting for to determine whether or not she feels comfortable with the conversation. So, I am staying. I am doing my best to regulate and mind my business. I can’t help but just see how gorgeous she is. I have always thought this way. I wish I had treated her better. I was so terrible. I AM so terrible. In her eyes, that’s how I am left. And she is quintessential in my heart and eyes. We fight, we clash, we disagree, I fuck up, majorly. But I love her deeply. I would do anything for her. The differences between us are what make us individuals. And that is beautiful.
Today was rough, I hope tomorrow will be better.