May 11, 2025
I really don’t know how to process all of this, I am still sort of in the phase of shock. I learned some concerning information today. My friend had talked to another friend who talked to her, and our friend was talking to her and saw a picture of her and another guy on her phone that looked similar to me and aksed “oh, is that (my name)?” in which she replied “no, he tried to stab me.” So basically, what I’ve learned today is that she has been telling people that I tried to stab her.
This information is somewhat comical to me because I am able to recall and actually pull up, if needed, the police reports from when the police talked to her, and I will be able to confirm that that isn’t the case, and isn't what she told the school either.
This is concerning as I never really had the worry of her spreading stuff about me. She expressed her worry about me doing that to her, and I will be very blunt and transparent in saying, I really dont talk to anyone, and I have no reason to shit talk her anyways. I have told maybe two people in my physical local life about this situation. Two. I feel its wrong of me, but part of me is almost looking forward to Monday, as I know I will need to meet with the coordinator to discuss this, and I know how serious this is, and everything thats been happening around me such as the glares and shit i’ve been getting. I don't believe she understands how serious this is.
This information had really completely turned the tables. And yet, I want to still apologize to her, and I still feel awful. Despite all of this, I guess I just never thought she would do something like this. I’m kind of shaken by learning this shit honestly, and it makes a lot more sense. Now, the types of looks I’ve been getting from people who used to be my friends make sense. I don’t know what to feel, really. I don’t really feel anger or negative feelings towards her. I guess I am more so concerned for her well-being. It is a shame amd embarrassing that I still feel the same ways I did before learning all of this, despite the fact she’s trying to rub shit on my name. I still hope she is doing okay.
Type of defamation- slander = verbal. She needs to understand that this stuff isn’t taken lightly, and she will face consequences for spreading misinformation. Unfortunately, I suspect this will further the distance between us. I was hoping for something different. Everything just really sucks right now. I still am delusional in hoping we could patch things up by summer and still be okay. I think with this realization, it's become easier to let that idea go. It doesn't make it any easier, though, or hurt any less. I really love and care about her still, and want her to know that. I understand now that her perspective is potentially dangerous to my well-being, and I recognize some of that may be in part due to her mental challenges as well, but it doesn't make it okay.
My mother brought up the fact that if she were to skew things like this in my case, maybe she did the same with her exs. I highly doubt this and do not believe that to be the case. She (not my mom, I am talking about the girl) had expressed the same worry about me and the way I spoke about my exs as well (though it should be noted this was when she was very upset and during the whole blow up) so I can see the thought of why that may be the case, but in the context of everything I know, I really don’t think that that is true.
Another thing I want to write down before I forget is that I had gotten in a separate elevator from her when going upstairs in the residential building. I learned yesterday that the other one of our classmate who had gotten in the elevator with her said something along the lines of ‘don’t worry girl, if he tried to pull anything, I’d beat his ass, I got you.’ (Keep in mind this is a very flamboyant gay man, hence the language used and tone you may associate with this quote.) This remark was heard by my friend, who got on the elevator after the two of them had already gotten in from the first floor and begun to go up, and my friend joined them at one of the common lower levels on the way up to their floor. They were confused as to why he was speaking in that way and assumed it was about me because they are aware of the entire situation, and when I told them about the information I discovered yesterday, it clicked and they could kind of give me the tip that indeed, this peer also has been informed that I attempted to stab her.
Anyways, unfortunately for her, now, I believe she can no longer ignore the coordinator's emails as she has been previously doing. I am really more hurt than anything that she would say things like this with the malicious intent of turning people against me. She had spoken about her assumption that I would go around calling her ‘crazy’ and shit, and I told her she didn’t need to worry about that because I have no reason to make false and harmful claims against her and I don’t feel the need to spread things that are already personal and sensitive to me in a public manner. I never really planned on bringing it up to people I am not necessarily close with, but if things are really this way, I may not have a choice. I will take full responsibility and face the consequences for everything I have done, and I will own up to those things to whoever may ask. But I in no way am going to let something false and so serious be spread about this situation. I refuse to take responsibility for something I did not and would never do, and am not going to sit and be silent about it while it is believed as well.
I will die behind the statement that that night, and that entire interaction, I had not laid a single hand on her whatsoever. I am unsure whether the previously mutual friend of ours would attest to this as the witness or not, because she avoided me yesterday after requesting to speak (this was before I had even found out about all of this), and she is very loyal to her. But, I have the statements she made to the police and the school on my side. I really feel bad needing to be defensive in this situation, and I won’t be where it isn’t necessary, but I will not take blame for shit I did not do.
I think the worst thing about this is the fact that she could tell the whole world I attempted to stab her, and I would still welcome her with open arms and apologize for everything, and only ask for forgiveness, and if not that, ask to be heard. That’s all I ever wanted, and it’s all I still want. It may be silly, but it’s what it comes down to in the simplification of things. I wonder if she told her parents the truth, or if she also told them I attempted to stab her. I suppose this has helped me to grow more distant from the idea of making amendments, but still, all I see are the really fond memories I have with her. It is hard to focus on the bad when my brain is focused on wanting so badly to just see the good and what I lost and what damage I caused. I know it isn’t fair to myself. But it is how things are functioning in this moment, and I can worry about the logistics later, right now I really just need to find a way to get through the week. This year has really taken the life out of me. I am really tired.
I wonder if she’s listened to Thom Yorke’s new collaboration. I doubt it since I believe she likes Radiohead and not as much the music produced on his own. I think it’s an interesting album, idk who Mark Pritchard is, but he seems chill. I hate myself. I don’t know why I still love and care about her so much. I was going through the filing cabinets looking for my work and came across hers. I organized them neatly and pushed them into the corner of the sliding pull-out cabinet. For some reason, I decided to give it a kiss by touching my fingers to my lips and then to the top piece. Maybe it feels like I am taking care of her still. I am unsure. I am really hurt right now, and so much is happening, and my tiny hamster brain can’t take it anymore.
I said something to her. I lost my cool when she glared at me, and her mom also glared at me when we exited the elevator. I regretted as soon as I opened my mouth and I understand I was stupid and I said “there’s legal shit now. you can’t tell people I tried to stab you.” and then i left in the elevator. I am freaking out because I realized how quickly I lost it and this all has been building up on top of shit and I am not holding up well anymore. I understand its seriousness, but I don’t know what to do. I am so fucking stupid bruh I am going to be expelled. Fuck me.
I still love her. That isn’t what any of this is about, though. I could give less of a fuck who she gets with, I have no reason to care. Will I still be insecure? Yes, but that doesn’t need to determine the decisions she makes. My insecurities should not influence her in any way, and I know they did when we were still okay. She thought I cared who she was with, but I am just insecure and will continue to be for a long while until I learn new ways to be okay with myself. That will take time, but I will get there eventually. I am melancholy. I am done with existing right now. I am really tired of it. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to have to face these people who now think all this shit about me for the rest of my time here. I just wanted things to be okay. I am so tired of fighting all these bumps in the road. I know there will never not be bumps, but I wanted at least some breaks here and there. I just keep getting hit and my pea brain isnt built for this shit. I just wanted one win this week, and I already blew that. Its so stupid, but I feel like one of those loser characters in a movie, the one character that just keeps getting hit in every possible fucking way without any end. This shit is becoming ridiculous. Maybe I should become religious or some shit, or spiritual, or a fucking witch. Maybe that would make me feel more in control of all the shit I am dealing with. It wouldn't in reality. But I just like to entertain ideas in this state. I do not have many other options other than being patient and calm.
I need to practice ways to manage my RSD shit too. I am too weak to handle everyday blows, I need to become desensitized to shit I guess. I am learning more people have new formed opinions of me due to all of this, and I find it hurtful to have had to been painted in this light. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and go ahead and say I am sure she felt the need to spread things about me out of the fear I was saying things about her, which I wasn’t and I thought I had made clear that it was something I wouldn’t do, even clearly telling the coordinator to make that clear to her because I knew she mentioned it being a concern of hers while in the heat of things. I am sure she didn’t think through really how it may affect me directly, or maybe she just didn’t care, either way, I want to believe she is acting out of fear and instinct, and not malice.