May 04, 2025
Her friends, who were once mine, I think, may also be scared of me. They don’t talk, they glare, and avoid me.
I am beginning to worry about my brain. Today, I realized colors seem duller than they should be. I want her to want to talk, but she won’t, and I can’t change that. I am positive I will get the answer “no” tomorrow. I need to mentally prepare myself for it. Even though I am expecting it, I know I will have a difficult time hearing it.
I can’t stop remembering the last time I saw her. The last time I saw her was over a week ago, the fearful look in her eyes is all I remember about her appearance. Science says it takes 500 hours of mourning to be able to begin to let go. It has been over that now. And I don’t feel much different than I initially felt from the rubble clearing and the aftermath clearing. I understand why I have an anxious attachment style now, I understand that there was a deeper reason for my initial unwillingness to date her (the sexual aspect was the surface explanation). I understand why my parents are so protective of knowing who I am interested in and what the people I am involved with are like. It took me 3 years to fully mourn my ex from the beginning of sophomore year in high school. It was an online relationship, we never met, and we dated for three months. That relationship ending took me THREE years to move on from. Of course, I wouldn’t want to be in another relationship, knowing how much it took me to move on from the last one, I would need to be sure with every part of me that I was willing to go through that again if it had to happen. I wasn’t ready for that. I wanted to just keep messing around with nothing serious, figuring I’m young and had become emotionally detached from lots of things due to the relationships I formed with performing sexual acts for others back home. I didn’t want to go through the cycle of heartbreak again, I wasn’t mentally ready for that. Commitment terrified me and still does, but now I see the damage of letting that fear dictate who and how I love. I was scared of having to spend three years without hope of allowing myself to try again and picking myself apart piece by piece until I found what messed me up so badly. I let fear stop me from loving her the way I should have from the beginning. I will forever have to live with that regret.
Spending so much time dissecting things mentally and putting so much effort into growing is hard, but it's what is necessary to get through day by day. If I submit to the want to not get up, shower, brush my teeth, and go to school, I will have stopped trying to grow. But as hard as it is to keep going, it’s the only option. I have responsibilities I can’t abandon.
I really feel like giving up. I don’t like myself and the ways I have impacted people I care about in negative ways. I don’t want to fight myself anymore. I have spent so long fighting from the very beginning of my consciousness. I am tired of it. The reasons for me to keep fighting the parts trying to tear me down are much smaller than they were when she was in my life. It is harder now without her. I realize how selfish I am, but I fear it may just be human, and I may be simply aware enough to admit to it. But that is me being generous to myself. I need to remember to try and be kind to myself, despite how difficult it may be.