May 9, 2025
I woke up and still feel like shit. I am going to the doctor today to get checked out. I wish I didn’t have to deal with physical sickness too. God is making sure I get smited from every angle possible. I apologized to some other people in my life whom I had hurt in ways I didn’t mean to today. It felt nice to be able to take the responsibility for things I regret, because otherwise it just stays there, and yes, I learn, but I don’t really get to show others how I learned.
youch. I am going to the cityMD today and was making an appointment. My marital status said “partnered,” which the doctor most likely put when I went to get my allergic reaction checked out with her at the beginning of the year. I was really grateful to have her there. Seeing that marker just was a punch though lol. At the doctor's now, watch it be the strep she said I gave her. I might just jump from the 16th floor. I wish I were better to her, she deserved so much better from me. There are no excuses. I am so low right now. I want to disappear. I wish my brain weren’t different. I’m so upset with myself and my actions and every part of me. I am trying to understand why I am the way I am and how I can best be my best self. Figuring out what's wrong and why is the first part, and that's really been hard. I don’t want to have ADHD and autism, bruh ffs, pick a struggle. It makes more sense looking back as to why I tend to have meltdowns so quickly. (It doesn’t make it okay, but I am just trying to better understand the ways I work.) I think I need to warn people before they ever actually have an issue related to either my forgetfulness and tendencies to shut down, not as justifications, but more as a hope for a little understanding.
I wish I weren’t different and could function like other people. I feel so fucking stupid all the time. This whole year has been really sucky. I was so excited to say ‘fuck you’ to everyone back home and finally have a fresh start in college with making friends and meeting people, and I still managed to have the exact same issues that I did in high school. I feel like such a fool. I genuinely feel like such an idiot for thinking I could throw myself into this and hope to swim. I have had a lot of other things that have come up that have helped weigh me down that isnt really helpful either. The amount of distress that came after the top dysphoria was alleviated, and then focusing on the bottom is unbearable. It took over my life. I have spent so much time researching and making choices based on it. It really consumed me and I wish it hadn’t. My issues with sex are so complex and i feel like a fucking freak and just wish I never had to deal with any of this shit in the first place. It would have saved me so many headaches. And the weight contributed to my lack of attention in school, and how it really impacted my performance overall negatively in general. My mental load is too much, and I don't have peer support to help me deal with it. I have all the professionals in the world. But they can't make me friends lol. Then of course I got my brain shit, realizing I need a bit more help than I originally thought, and trying to take the steps to find solutions. And then feeling so inadequate in school. Paired with feeling inadequate as a person, and the failure I made of myself while trying to be with another human being.
When school ends, I will get home, and my parents will help pick up the pieces and piece me back together once again, but I am tired of being put back together. I just want to be loved and accepted despite my bullshit and I was, and I fucked it up. My mother would comfort me and stroke my hair, telling me it was okay. I will collapse in her arms, the only place I feel safe enough to be so truly vulnerable. Then, I will have to look at the rubble of the past year. I will have to sort through it and try to find the things I need to remember and don’t. Process things with professionals. And maybe, in the future, I can try again. But I will still be going into it without social support. I will still be alone. And I will still have the same brain. This is why I really want to give up. I am tired of the cards I will forever hold.
I wish to change things out of my control. I messed up the things that were under my control, and now I am fucked. Day after day, it doesn’t feel better, it just feels more normal. I am slipping into another consistent major depressive episode, and there’s nothing anyone who is still in my life can do about it. I wish people understood how difficult it is to live with chronic conditions. The severity of some is debilitating. I luckily can still get out of bed and shower. But I am unsure how much longer I will be able to do that. I don't feel like I am in my body. My head feels dizzy and light. My eyes are always feeling heavy. My limbs feel like noodles. My throat feels dry and lumpy. My brain feels powerless to all of it. I am giving up.
The few friends I have are responding less and less, I take up too much of their energy. I know I am draining in this state. So, I withdraw. I want to feel okay.