May 08, 2025
I remember the time she told me she liked watching me sleep. I felt the need to act weirded out by it. But really, I think that was one of the confirmations of yes, I love this woman. It wasn’t actually weird to me, but I was convinced I would come off as too clingy and needy if I openly showed how much that made me happy. I know now, writing it out, it sounds stupid, but I wasn’t thinking that hard at the time. I wish I had told her how in love I was with her while lying there with her. I wish I had just committed without all the hesitancy and fear that held me back and contributed so many issues. I wish I hadn’t been sexual with her so early on. I wish I hadn’t felt the need for that fulfillment.
The farthest I have gotten today is getting up, cleaning, and getting ready. I am exhausted and may just need to go back to sleep. But I am almost out of cough drops, so I will have to go to CVS eventually. I feel incapable of doing any work. I am worried because I know if I don't, I will fall behind. But I am too exhausted to do literally anything. I need a hug. I don’t want to get up anymore. Thankfully, I have no classes today. I will most likely sleep. I am surprised, I haven’t been this ill in a very long time. I feel I have let everyone down. I am embarrassed. I am always worried the sirens are coming for me. It is noon, and the farthest I have gotten is getting ready and dressed. I feel like going back to sleep. I am fully alone, physically too. My roommates are no longer sleeping here. It is just me.
I am struggling to have the energy to do anything anymore. I am physically sick and very mentally unwell. I feel hopeless and lost, I feel defeated. Disregard worries of safety, no immediate concerns. The issues are very complex, but simplifed I am alone entirely, and have been stuck reflecting on things continously and have come to the realization that my only support system is my parents and I already feel burdening to them, many of my issues stem from putting too much on other people, so I am terrified of doing that. I feel like I only add negativity to my friends' lives. I can't rely on my friends for help. I am not allowed to contact the one person I feel closest to and need to desperately talk to. She hates me, and I can't contact her in any way without risking expulsion. It isn't an option, and it's my fault, and sitting with that as the days keep passing is excruciating. I only have a week of school left, I need to get over this sickness, and get my work done, but I don't know how to anymore. I have come to the very end of my ability to push on through. The farthest I have gotten today is getting up, cleaning, and getting ready. I am exhausted and may just need to go back to sleep. But I am almost out of cough drops, so I will have to go to CVS eventually. I feel incapable of doing any work. I am worried because I know if I don't, I will fall behind. But I am too exhausted to do literally anything.
I am not in immediate danger, but I am in crisis. I feel so defeated. It is 3 pm now and I still haven’t done anything. It’s 6 pm. I haven’t done anything. I am so sorry. I am trying really really hard. I am so sorry. I am doing my best. I am so lost. I feel like I have failed every task given to me from the beginning. I am so distraught. And I realize I have no friends and am pretty fucking neurodivergent or whatever and apparently that makes everything harder. I don’t want to accept that. It feels like an excuse. I do all the things I'm supposed to. I practice social skills and try to step out of my comfort zone. I try to keep in touch with people. I try to think in new ways. I try to do all the things. I can’t just be like “my brain works differently and I’m ill, so this is more difficult for me right now,” like it doesn’t seem fair. I thought I was normal enough not to have these issues as an adult. I was wrong. my brain is still just as fucked as it was when i was younger. I hate my body, I hate my brain. I’m tired of sitting by myself. It is almost 8 pm.
The following is my night blog talking to myself, recapping the day I guess.