May 05, 2025
Happy Monday. There are fewer than two weeks left of school. I want to—NOPE, we are not doing this shit today. We are not starting the week with these thoughts.
I am expecting an email back from the coordinator today. Waiting to receive the answer about the request for a mediated conversation, of course being ‘no, fuck you, fuck off,’ type shit. I will continue to have a difficult time throughout the summer, into next year, possibly for a few years. Accepting this reality may make it easier to navigate if it is the expectation. I still am frightened by the sirens at night, my watch has noticed my sleeping patterns have changed, and I have been getting less sleep on average.
I feel unwell, like I am fighting a cold, possibly. It is very rare for me to get sick, though, so it is a small concern for me. I feel like shit in many ways, I am in the bathroom not wanting to shower and have to face the body I am housed in. The body that has caused so many roots of bigger issues in my life. I don’t want to look at it. I am thinking about how I made her feel so terrible, how I messed up so bad, and I try to comfort myself, not to begin the week with crying in the bathroom like a loser.
I want to wear the ring she got me, since I bulked it up to fit, sort of okay. But it feels wrong to do that. She would think I was a creep. But it looks nice and I want to hold her close to me, and in that way I feel I can. But I won’t in public, because I may be perceived as a freak ass loser mourning the loss of someone I love and hurt. I don’t want to scare her off even more than I already have. So I will continue to comfort myself in private. I still haven’t told my roommates, and they haven’t asked anything. I wonder if something was said to them. It doesn’t matter on the grand scale of things, ultimately.
I saw her this morning. She was leaving the elevator as I got on. Her eyes shot like daggers through my soul. It was a look that screamed ‘get the fuck out of my way, i never want to see you again, i fucking hate every inch of you with my entire being. I wish death upon you.’ I looked down and walked past. I wanted to bang my head into a brick to break my skull open as the elevator took me up to my floor.
I am still waiting for the “no” to come from the meeting. I think hearing nothing is much worse. Maybe she knows that. Maybe she knows everything. I wish she knew everything. This summer is going to be very difficult for me. I am always preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I know for a fact, though, that this summer is going to be a bit more difficult than it would've been if I hadn't made so many mistakes.
I suppose it is a good thing I have learned so much in the past year. But it is in no way worth it, knowing I hurt someone I truly love and care deeply about. I wish I knew everything I am figuring out now, a year ago. But I feel that is a common phenomenon, and people feel this way quite frequently. I am not the same person I was a month ago, I am not the same person I was yesterday, we are always changing in microscopic and sometimes macroscopic ways. Continuously changing, this pattern will last our whole existence.
I feel very inadequate in every person's life I am in. I worry I only burden others. I leave in less than a week. I feel sick. I don’t know if I can come back next semester like this. It is truly embarrassing, but I can’t pretend like I am not impacted by everything that has happened in the past year.
I am sick in every possible way. I am trying to find the bigger purpose in everything, and I have a difficult time with it. I miss when I had close friends as a kid, I wish they hadn't abandoned me. I have so many more issues now forming friendships because of the unexplained ruptures in so many of my relationships that were the core roots in my life. Ripped from the dirt and thrown away without explanation. I wish I had either known the reasons or dealt with it differently. I need to stop thinking about “I wish... If I… If only… I should've…etc” because it isn’t getting me anywhere. But at the same time, I don’t know what else to do in this moment.